What Is A Friendship? It Is Many Things, And It Must Always Be A Two-Way Street.

In my last post, I talked about how the movie “The Shack” gave me some epiphanies about how cherry-picking scriptures can create imbalanced relationships. In that post, I recognized that logical fallacies can be used to do the same thing in non-religious environments. I said I would talk about that this week, so here goes.

As I’ve said in previous blog posts, I grew up around so much dysfunction that I often didn’t understand what a relationship was supposed to look like. I believe this was even harder for me and the other women in my family than it was for the men, because we were taught it was our gender-role and God’s desire that we submit no matter what.

When I was caring for my Dad, I attended a class to help me understand how to help him heal from the sexual abuse he had experienced as a child. During that class, a survivor gave a speech about her own recovery. She told a story of a time she had such an imbalanced view of relationships that she went out to dinner with someone minutes after they had hit her instead of walking away and putting a safe distance between herself and them. After she told that story, she asked if anyone could imagine having such weak boundaries. In that moment, the class became about me instead of my Dad. I had allowed people to abuse me and continued on as if nothing had happened. I had to spend years unlearning that – sadly, I have to admit I’m still unlearning it. I’m better than I was before, but I can’t confidently say I am so recovered that I will never let anyone abuse me again.

One of the best and worst things that happened to me was caregiving. It was one of the worst, because I had to watch people I loved suffer and die. It was one of the best for two reasons. The first was how much the bond I had with the people I cared for strengthened while I was caring for them. I was already close to everyone I took care of, but we got even closer and got to know each other in ways we hadn’t known each other before while I was their caregiver. The second was that I often had people who proved they were good friends around me. The caregiving went on for decades since it was for more than one person in a row, so those good friends realized I needed their support and gave it. This allowed those good friends to witness and remark about how I let people treat me.

I emphasize here that I am stating this from the viewpoint of how I let people treat me. I am not saying I am without mistake in these matters. Although the abusers who lost their power over me as I healed would like to scapegoat me (and anyone they lose power over) to make it look like something else, my mistake was usually being such a doormat that I allowed people to treat me badly. This is important, because when I understand the mistakes I’m making, I can change them for a brighter future. Abusers will often try to transfer their behavior onto their victims. Since this is not the reality, the victim will have no power to change their future if they buy into that, because they have no power to change another person. Once we recognize we are allowing ourselves to be a victim, we can change that unless we are in a dictatorship where that would create physical danger for us.

My good friends did witness and remark about how I allowed people to treat me. Some saw things directly, some witnessed it on Facebook, and some witnessed phone conversations. I was so busy as a repeat caregiver that I had to multi-task twenty-four hours a day. This meant putting phone calls on speaker so I could do several other things while I talked. People who were friend enough to offer me their help instead of demand from me during that time overheard those conversations.

The fact that I had friends who cared enough to help shows how much I’ve healed. As I stated in my early posts, there was a time when I was a 100% doormat. If someone was in my life, it was because they saw they could easily take from me. By the time I was a caregiver, I had grown enough that I had people around me who actually gave back instead of just taking. Since I still had takers in my life, I obviously wasn’t completely recovered. Healing and growth often happens in stages – a person has a mixture of the past they are moving away from and the future they are moving toward before they are fully recovered. That is where I was when I started caregiving. Some of my healthy friends even recognized when my need was greater than theirs and should be the priority. That is the sign of a true friend and is something my healthy friends helped me learn.

I try to keep my examples to three so blog posts don’t become so long they require an ISBN Number. Following are the three examples I’ve chosen for this post, starting with the most powerful and life changing one.

I was in a public place when someone triggered and talked to me in horrible ways. That alone would not have kept me from reconciling with that person after I forgave them. I have reconciled with people who triggered on me many times. I have even reconciled with people who abused me when I saw them change. What made me choose not to reconcile with this person were the events that immediately followed and the patterns they revealed. This included the help of some friends who witnessed it, one of whom was a licensed counselor. She gave me a year’s worth of free counseling to help me recover from what she had witnessed.

I am so grateful this counselor friend stepped forward and helped me, because the abusive way this person triggered on me would have caused me to regress. Maybe I regressed so easily because I was extremely vulnerable at that time due to almost two decades of caregiver exhaustion, repeated grief, and the trials of trying to put my life back together after caregiver. We have to be more careful about repeating patterns when we are vulnerable. I probably would have regressed all the way back to 100% doormat by the time it was over had the counselor who witnessed it not reached out to help me.

The person who triggered was angry, because I had not turned my medical care over to their spiritual powers instead of seeing my doctor. The things they said about that were consistent with a written message they had sent a few days before that blamed my health situations on me not turning my care over to them. In spite of how ridiculous I now recognize that was, I began to feel guilty when they posted things on Facebook that tried to make it look like they had triggered because I wasn’t there when they needed me. I was regressing. I felt guilty even though she had never given me any indication she needed something from me other than my presence at an uncomfortable family party I had moved hell and high water to attend because she had made her need clear in that situation. I even moved hell and high water to make time to come with the perfect gift. I would have done the same thing for her any time she made her needs clear. She had not given me any indication she had needs beyond that party. In spite of that, I was about to apologize to her when she owed me the apology I never received. She would have had power over me again if I would have done that, which would have meant I would be in the same situation with her the next time I needed something that required me regaining some of my power.

Ultimately, the counselor (who I will refer to as she in this paragraph) who had witnessed this helped me see that me becoming so busy I was forced to regain some of my power had been a root of this woman (who I will refer to as this woman in this paragraph) triggering. Fortunately, I had my first counseling session with the counselor who had witnessed the entire episode before I made that mistake. This counselor, who was a long-term friend of mine, pointed out the patterns she had been witnessing for a long time but had waited until the right time to reveal them to me. She reminded me how she had witnessed this woman trigger in a less aggressive manner when I had voiced my appreciation of someone this woman didn’t like, a someone who thought this woman was one of her best friends. She had witnessed this woman repeatedly use the disguise of spirit messages to make the horrible things she said about everyone we knew look legitimate. She reminded me of the times she witnessed this woman pump me for information this woman could use to make those messages more believable. She reminded me of the speaker phone conversations she had witnessed where this woman called and told me when this woman would pick me up instead of asking me if I wanted to go and when I was available. She reminded me how she had heard this woman’s frustration grow when my schedule forced me to decline those demands for my time. She helped me realize I shouldn’t feel guilty for any needs I had not met for this woman, because how could I know what this woman’s needs were when demands for my time on this woman's inflexible timetable were how she expressed her need to see me. She pointed out how this woman’s ridicule of me sharing my problems on Facebook during those hours this woman was triggering on me proved this woman saw how severe my trials were but chose to ignore them to try to make this woman's desires more important than my needs. She pointed out that trying to dictate my medical care away from doctors was not being helpful no matter how much this woman tried to make her offers look kind. She reminded me that no legitimate kindness is offered by yelling at the person it is being offered to. The counselor helped me see that these and many other pieces of the pattern revealed a woman who wanted to control, and I had committed the ultimate sin of allowing life situations to force me to take some of my control back. A year and a half later, this counselor was proven right. I received a letter from someone close to this woman. That letter shared how this woman had turned on her in similar manner when she took back her control, and she wanted to let me know I was not alone. Just like the person who wrote that letter, I found that things improved once I took back my control. The multitude of problems I was dealing with at that time have now been resolved and the relationships that were being strained by the stress of long-term caregiving have now been repaired.

To this day, that woman uses logical fallacies to try to make unsuspecting people believe that I wronged her in some way instead of apologizing for what she did wrong. This is similar to what I talked about in my last blog post of religious people cherry-picking scriptures to blame their victims or gain control over another person. Having good friends witness it kept me from regressing and accepting those logical fallacies and surrendering my control to another person. Too often, cherry-picking scriptures or using logical fallacies is a mechanism to gain control over another person. Vulnerable people, which includes having weak boundaries, must learn the skills necessary to keep people from getting control of them.

Another time, friends witnessed my weak boundaries re-emerging on Facebook when trials were making me vulnerable again. I had been helping a friend a lot. I was happy to do it, because I cared about her. In addition, her needs were as great as my own at that time, and that allowed me to feel empathy for her. Even though I was in the midst of the many trials repeated caregiving, repeated grief, and trying to regain my life after almost two decades of caregiving were causing, I moved hell and high water to be there for her when she needed something. I did this until I became so ill I had to request a schedule instead of assisting randomly. I was still very willing to help and I expressed that, but I needed to figure out a way to do it around my own medical appointments, therapies, etc. Instead of accepting the scheduled time I offered, this person started Facebook rants about what a horrible friend I was. When a mutual friend saw those rants express that I had promised to always be there for the ranter and had lied, she contacted me. She helped me understand that this woman had chosen to take nothing instead of the scheduled time I had offered to allow me to attend my doctor’s appointment and therapies. She also helped me see that this person was not offering to be there for me in any way during my time of need, so she had no right to complain that I could only be there for her in a scheduled way. She reminded me that friendship is a two-way street and not about one person giving and being seen as bad when they are not able to give in the moment, especially when that person has a history of giving generously. Her reminders saved me from regressing to mistakes that would have kept me from meeting my own medical needs. She helped me recognize that I am not a bad friend for needing to meet my own escalating needs, and it is a logical fallacy for someone who is not returning the favors I once did for them to try to make it look like I am. This is one of the friends who pointed out to me that true friends recognize whose needs are greater in that moment and focus on those needs instead of ignoring the greater need so one friend who is selfish can always get what they want. I am still friends with the person who did this, but amends will need to be made before we can return to the level of closeness we once shared.

My third story is of a time when I was grieving yet another loss of someone I dearly loved. At the same time, another friend was grieving the loss of a Facebook friend she had never met but felt close to. She used her grief as an excuse to dump every negative emotion she had on me in an abusive way. When a friend overheard this on a phone call my schedule forced me to take on speaker, she pulled me aside and reminded that it was not appropriate to use grief as an excuse to be verbally abusive, especially when I was grieving a much greater loss and repeated losses at the same time. She reminded me of the ground rules our grief support groups had, and that all healing groups have, that keep vulnerable members safe from people who handle their emotions in an abusive way. She helped me pull away from the abusive person, so I could handle my own grief in safety. Had my friend not witnessed that, my vulnerable state probably would have allowed me to regress and accept the abuse that person was heaping on me at the expense of my own ability to grieve.

This prompts me to remind everyone that support groups of any kind must be safe. People who attend support groups are vulnerable, or they would not be there. If you are ever in a support group situation where you are abused and it is not handled, find another group. If you are ever in a support group situation where a leader abuses you or another member and is not removed from leadership, find another group. It is unacceptable for abuse, and especially abuse that is not handled properly, to happen in a support group where vulnerable people attend.

In an earlier blog post, I talked about how a previous boss named Rosemary set me on the road to healing and self-improvement. In that blog post, I told how she warned me that healing would happen in layers, like peeling away the layers of an onion. I shared how she said each layer would make it easier due to the improving environments and relationships I would build. She was right. Long-term caregiving, repeated grief, and trying to rebuild my life after almost twenty years of caregiving had made me so vulnerable I was susceptible to the types of situations I was working so hard to rise above. In the beginning, I would have had very few people who would have helped me. By the time I reached the point in my life where these things happened, healing had surrounded me with many people who protected me. I will always be grateful that they kept me from regressing so far that I would have had to surrender or start my climb over. Because of them, I quickly regained my footing and continued to climb.