The Story Of How A Very Wise Woman Taught Me About Forgiveness Versus Reconciliation

So many people I know have been given bad definitions of forgiveness that have them reconciling with truly toxic people. I did it myself for most of my life, even apologizing to people who wronged me to create a reconciliation yet they never owned what they did. Yes, that did get me re-abused by those people time and time again. I have worked hard the last few years to break that habit and learn stronger boundaries.

For those who struggle with this like I did, I'd like to share something that really enlightened me (I recently read it in my journal from that time and was reminded of it). Once upon a time a friend who was a counselor witnessed someone treat me so horrendously in public that she gave me a year's worth of free counseling - once a week for a solid year at no charge. Each time she heard that someone was pushing me to reconcile with that person because to them that is what forgiveness looked like (although she knew from our counseling sessions I had long forgiven that person and I was working on myself to learn how to not make the mistakes again that made me prey for people like that person), she was shocked that they were pushing me in that direction.

She wrote on her calendar the date she had witnessed it happen - but on that date the following year. She waited for one year, and on the one-year anniversary of the person doing what she had witnessed, she asked, "Has that person apologized to you yet, because from what I saw she definitely owes you one?" My answer was "No." She then said, "If she wanted your forgiveness, she would have apologized and asked for it by now. If she wanted reconciliation, she would be making the amends necessary to help you feel safe around her again. Her own actions show that she doesn't want forgiveness or reconciliation, so when others push you toward reconciliation in the future, you can in good conscience tell them to mind their own business."

She then gave me a cupcake with a single candle in the middle of it to celebrate one year of focusing on self-growth, personal clarity, and boundaries. We only had two more sessions after that and then the free year was over, but I didn't need more free sessions. She had helped me find many breakthroughs.

This just emphasizes to me that forgiveness is for our own peace of mind and is not about reconciliation. Most of the time the person who wronged us won't care if we forgive them and won't know when we do. Truly toxic people will be blaming their victim and trying to make others see it as the victim’s fault instead of owning what that did, seeking forgiveness, or making amends. Forgiveness is for our own mental, spiritual, and physical health and it doesn't mean reconciliation unless steps are taken to make any environments you share with that person safe for you again.

I was taught in church that forgiveness always means reconciliation. Matthew 18:15-18 tells a story of setting boundaries. The warnings about wolves in sheep's clothing tell a story about setting boundaries. Matthew 10 tells us to be as shrewd as snake and as innocent as doves. The book of Proverbs gives us many warnings about the company we keep. Boundaries are important.

During the free counseling sessions, this counselor also praised me for not letting go of my faith and being as innocent as a dove while I face the encounter she witnessed.  She was pleased that I didn't trigger and give like for like but that instead I spent the hours this went on kindly trying to increase understanding and bring peace (what else would I do when I watched my mother, my female role model, be the perpetual peace keeper all of my life).  The counselor told me this was good, for the first ten minutes.  She said at that point I should have employed the shrewd as a snake portion of that scripture and just as kindly as I had been trying to increase understanding excused myself and walked away.  She said the mistake I made was sitting there and allowing myself to be treated that way for such a long time.  It still amazes me how many times I've had to learn both parts of a scripture.  I can be as innocent as a dove yet snake shrewd enough to get up and walk away when I see that isn't working.  The scriptures seem to have a lot more balance in them that what I was taught as a young person, and learning that balance has brought more balance to my life.