The Spirituality? or Psychology? of Dreams and How What We Learn From Our Dreams Can Help Us Grow

I have often told people that I believe being a religious or spiritual person is like going into counseling, because those of us who are actually doing the work are digging deep into our inner selves to learn to be the most balanced people we can be. Spirituality or religion isn’t about pointing our finger at other people and telling them what they are doing wrong. If what they are doing wrong is harming us, we can definitely set a boundary or even separate ourselves from them, but fixing them is not our job. In addition, spirituality or religion isn’t about changing laws to force people to believe like we believe. That is good since working on ourselves might grow us into new understandings that will make us regret fighting for those laws one day.

Because I believe spirituality/religion are akin to the self-improvement work we do in counseling, I’m not sure what I want to call it when our dreams reveal something we need to be aware of. Is that spiritual? Is it religious? Is it psychological? I especially ask this question when the dream reveals something to us that comes true? Is it spiritual then? Religious? Psychological?

A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I’ve been wanting to write about. In my dream, I was reliving a dysfunctional environment I once worked and worshipped in. All of the severely dysfunctional things that happened in that environment swam through my dreaming brain in a way that allowed me to recognize that I couldn’t allow myself to be scapegoated for what had happened there. I don't know why I needed a dream to finally understand that. Every time I was in that environment, I was bombarded with people talking bad about each other. Every time I tried to fix it, I was greeted with the joke, "We're just a big dysfunctional family." If you know that well enough for me to hear that joke hundreds of times - FIX IT! I think of environments I'm in now where I would experience a full body shock if I heard anyone say something bad about someone else in the environment, so I know people can live together in harmony without ignoring the pink elephant in the middle of the room.

One thing that happened as I dreamed was weird. I saw that someone from that environment who I thought was one of the more functional ones that I had a good rapport with was unfriending me on Facebook. After that was revealed to me, I relived an encounter I had with this person’s then life partner and now due to changing laws wife. In that encounter that really did happen, she came to the office and told me she missed me at worship. After hesitating for a moment, she added that she assumed I wasn’t coming any more due to all of the dysfunction she knew I witnessed while I was working.

My dream then revealed that the effort I put into counseling had made me more aware and less tolerant of dysfunction, and I had to realize not everyone there had that same experience. There were good people there who still had to learn life lessons I had already learned. In addition, the people stirring up the dysfunction would eventually be dealt with without me raising a finger. I became aware that my time with them was never meant to last beyond a brief moment of caregiver exhaustion and grief that caused me to temporarily regress from my normal level of healing. It was time for me to move on and allow them the freedom to learn the lessons I had already learned.

Out of curiosity, I checked Facebook as soon as I got up the next morning. My friend number was down by one person. I typed the person’s name in -- and lo and behold she had unfriended me. I was a little shocked since I was not aware of any animosity between us, but the dream gave me the perspective that I needed to move on. In an effort to move on, I blocked her -- not out of any animosity but as a way to emphasize to myself my ability to move on. I knew her for a season, and now the seasons are changing. I wish her only the best, and I wish the best for me as well.

What is surprising is that isn’t the first time that happened to me. I came from a very fundamentalist and legalistic religious background that I’m healing from. I still have friends there. One family of those friends has the habit of throwing out very extremist (and hate-filled) social media posts. They erase the comments of anyone who doesn’t agree with them, so that only their view will influence those who see it. They do this even if they put the post on your Facebook timeline and you make a comment that doesn’t support their beliefs – they will erase your comment from your own timeline. One of them posted something that was very legalistic and harmful. When I responded with a more loving stance that could be taken while still being biblically accurate, she unfriended and blocked me. I am aware that she only did this to keep any of my views that didn’t agree with hers from being seen, both because this is her pattern and because she invited me to a retreat a few months later. I chose not to attend due to me outgrowing the legalistic views that are taught there, but that revealed to me that she didn’t do it out of anger but out of protecting her message. The odd part was that I once again had a dream that she was unfriending me on Facebook. It was then revealed that her legalistic hatred would be dealt with without me having to do anything to make sure that happened. I again checked Facebook the first thing the next morning and found that my friend number was down by one friend. I typed in her name and found that she had unfriended me.

Honestly, I have over 350 friends on Facebook. How would I know who one person who unfriended me was other than me checking after having a dream that revealed that to me.

I once again come back to the question of is this spiritual? Religious? Psychological?

I think the thing I need to take away from this is what I need to learn. I’m as loyal a dog – staying loyal even after I’ve been kicked enough to be a boot shy dog. I have received various forms of abuse more times than I can count by people who used that loyalty as a way to repeatedly abuse me. In addition, I would endanger myself to protect others who were in dysfunctional situations, sometimes continuing to try to help them long after it became clear that they only wanted to complain without putting in the effort to change what they were complaining about. Now, I’m learning to set boundaries and say no to unacceptable behavior, especially repeated unacceptable behavior.

Due to my pre-boundary history, I think I needed to learn that I don’t have to lift a finger to correct dysfunctional situations. They will eventually be dealt with whether I lift a finger or not. I think I also needed to learn that I need to move on when I’ve outgrown an environment instead of staying and trying to correct something that it is beyond my ability to correct on my own.

I’ve recently shared articles about being a scapegoat in this blog. If you read those, you may remember that the articles I shared said that the strongest and most functional person in an environment becomes the scapegoat. When I stay too long trying to correct a dysfunctional person or environment, I set myself up to be the scapegoat. I am pointing things out that they don’t want to hear, and the functionality and strength that comes from recognizing that and being willing to address it is the very thing that makes someone a scapegoat. I must stop doing that and leave environments I’ve outgrown or don’t fit in. I grew up being the scapegoat, and now I have one piece of information I needed to learn to stop repeating that familiar that makes me a scapegoat again and again.

Are dreams spiritual? Religious? Psychological?

If something we are told in the dream happens in our waking world, is that spiritual? Religious? Psychological?

We all have our theories. My friend Linde Grace used to say that she thinks we’ll all be surprised by what we find when we pass away no matter what religion we belong to. She said there are just some mysteries that are too big for us to know for sure. As I contemplate the question of whether it’s spiritual, religious, or psychological, I find myself thinking of the old Tootsie Roll Pop commercials where the wise old owl is trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. After three licks, he takes a bite and says, “The world may never know.” Until we get to the other side, as my dear friend Linde Grace has now done – we may never know.

Ultimately, I think what matters on this physical plane is that we learned the lesson that was being presented to us whether that lesson is coming from a spiritual encounter or rising up from our resting subconscious mind. I learned some lessons that will make me happier and safer, so in the end, maybe that is all that matters. I have to admit that I sometimes speculate about whether there is a spiritual aspect to our dreams, especially the ones where something we are told in the dream then happens in our waking world -- but keep in mind this is just my speculation and not something I'm presenting as fact. As I said before, the mystery is too large for us to know for sure while we're on this plane. Sometimes things that happen make me speculate on that subject even more. A couple of days after I had the dream I've been talking about in this blog post, I drove a friend to pick up her truck that was stranded with a flat tire. While we waited for assistance, I checked Facebook from my phone. My friend number was down by six since that morning. As my friend and I talked about it, I told her there was a time when such a large number of people unfriending me in such a short amount of time would have made me feel rejected and shamed. After my dream, all I felt was an understanding that the path was being paved for me to find my tribe. When I got home and checked Facebook on my computer, my friend number had not changed since that morning. Six people had not unfriended me. I wondered if that happened to allow me to experience my own spiritual growth or if it was just a technical malfunction. I guess it doesn't really matter, because my more evolved response helped me realize I am growing. In reality, that's probably all that really matters.