The Darkness Before The Dawn

In last week’s blog post, I talked about how we may be repeating patterns as we heal but may not be aware of that due to how subtle the patterns become as we grow. I used the example of a man known for drunkenness defending another man who abused a child when he was drunk. Continued growth helped me see that, years later when I had some healing under my belt, a person admitting his family saw him as having the same traits when he defended someone who was destroying their family with laziness was the same pattern. The commonality was defending a harmful person, because the person doing the defending was harmful in the same way.

As I thought about this, I realized caregiving had left me in a state of vulnerability that allowed me to trust people too easily, almost as easily as I had trusted them before I began my healing journey. I trusted in at least one situation where repeating the pattern was subtle. There was also the added factor of some patterns were easier for me to ignore, even though they were more subtle than when I began, since I was so vulnerable I needed to convince myself I had something I needed that wasn’t there.

I remember one situation that fit in the category of needing it to be true that left me bawling when I admitted to myself what I had done. I got close too quickly to a person who was constantly telling everyone her completely sane “best friend” was crazy. One day at that person’s house, she excused herself to go to the restroom. While she was gone, one of her children raved about how much they liked this “best friend.” When the mom return, this kid stopped their story on a dime and said the “best friend” was crazy. I should have been appalled for what this revealed about the mother/child relationship, what was being done to the “best friend,” the never ending gossip, etc.. Instead, I thought, “Thank God I’m safe with her. She likes me. She would never do that to me like she does to so many other people. I’m safe.” I wasn’t safe. I eventually learned I was the victim of the same kind of gossip behind my back, which is usually the case with a person who gossips. After many years of caregiving in some abusive environments, I needed to feel safe so badly that I created a false sense of safety in my own mind. That was so wrong of me.

The reality of the situation this gossiping person was the center of has been revealing itself to me in layers. Some might say having so many stories from that one situation means I haven’t healed, but that isn’t the case at all. The only thing I haven’t healed from is my fear for other vulnerable people who will be hurt, especially since leadership later chose to deny what they admitted seeing early on. Other than that, I’m over it – thanks to the wonderful counselor who witnessed it and gave me a year of free counseling. I have told the story several times, because I received so much healing from what I learned from that otherwise negative situation that it was a rebirthing experience.

I have also spoken multiple times about my old boss, Rosemary, who gave me a hand-up and taught me that healing happens like peeling away layers of an onion instead of instantaneously. That was a very positive situation that I frequently discuss, because it was a life changer. If I tell a story repeatedly, positive or negative, it’s because that situation was so impactful it changed my life for the better.

I chose as my picture for today’s post a quote from Keanu Reeves (who is in the picture) about how destruction sometimes means rebirth. That has been my reality. I started out literally surrounded by people with alcoholism, drug addiction, untreated mental illness, a history of irresponsibility, inner-city violence, etc. I may be repeating the patterns in a subtler way in the places I have not completely healed (or lost healing when caregiving exhausted me on every level and made me vulnerable), but I am being reborn with each layer of the onion that is peeled away (and am owning and correcting any mistakes being vulnerable caused me to make as I return to my previous state of healing). If I were caught in a pattern of destruction, I would still be living in an inner-city neighborhood and involved in the violence, addiction, etc. that was so common where I started. I am not still there. I have improved my surroundings in every way and continue to improve them in every way. I will not stop until I reach all of my healing goals or my spirit returns to my maker, whichever comes first. Each layer of the onion I peeled away has been a moment of rebirth for me.

True, I recently repeated a pattern in a subtler way. I need to remember it was subtler, which means I’m growing. I need to remember that I dedicated myself to recovering from that mistake and peeled away a huge layer of the onion while I did. I am not even close to being the person I was when that happened, because the layer of the onion healing from that situation allowed me to peel away was the fattest layer yet. I need to pat myself on the back for that. Anyone reading this who is in the same situation needs to pat themselves on the back as well. It is too easy to remember our mistakes. We must also give ourselves credit when we successfully overcome those mistakes. We must give ourselves credit for every inch of growth we attain.

Even in the recent painful situation I have talked about several times, I was reborn. I was reborn in great pain just as a child is born through the mother’s painful labor. That pain birthed me. Other than talking to those who had the power to do something to protect other vulnerable people who will end up in that environment and might get hurt, all of my work went into self-improvement. So, yes, that situation was a moment of rebirthing, and I am grateful for that.

In that situation, it was easy. People witnessed it, and one person who witnessed it was a counselor. She gave me a free year of counseling to help me recover. Having someone who is a counselor witness you being mistreated and then counseling you through what they saw on a spectrum of what you could have done differently to what you should not accept from people and everything in between is powerful.

Any situation I talk about a lot, especially in a healing context such as this blog, is a situation that was so impactful it was a moment of rebirth for me. I am not who I used to be, and I am proud of myself for that. I am not yet who I will be, and I am proud of myself for that. I hope anyone who is reading this who is working hard to improve themselves feels the same way.