Strategies For Dealing With Toxic People

I believe it's important for everyone to know strategies they can use to protect themselves from toxic people. I saw this video on Youtube this week and found it very helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osXapUFrcv8&fbclid=IwAR1xWQKmClFospAWk4zP3B72TB7TJzLYD3mvQRzSzyojQf37ZSUy4sxqS-g. It was so helpful for me that I ordered the book “I Miss Me And I Want Me Back” that’s advertised at the bottom of the screen early in the video. I’m not telling anyone else to purchase that book, especially since I haven't read it yet and don't know how helpful it will be. I felt compelled to purchase it, because I’ve felt like I can’t find me since I walked away from a particularly harmful narcissist almost twenty years ago.

I am sharing this video, because I’ve learned the hard way how important it is to learn strategies to protect yourself from toxic people. Note that I’m saying toxic people and not just narcissists. I’m recovering from harm inflicted on me by diagnosed narcissists and borderline personalities, but I’m not a counselor and can’t diagnose people who don’t have a professional diagnosis. My counselor taught me the diagnosis doesn’t matter. If a person has behaviors that are reminiscent of someone with a diagnosis, use the same boundaries you would use with someone who has a diagnosis. Toxic is toxic no matter what label you put on it.

One reason I believe it’s important to know strategies for protecting yourself is how good toxic people can be at filtering the way other people see their victims. Following are some experiences from my life that demonstrate this effectiveness.

I was born with a club foot. I had many childhood surgeries to correct it. A toxic person who witnessed those surgeries effectively convinced others, who had also witnessed those surgeries, that they didn’t happen. Convincing people I’m faking discredits me in the eyes of those who believe more of what they hear than what they see. The toxic person effectively overshadowed what people saw as well as evidence that exists in medical records. This could give the toxic person power over me if I continued to defend myself like I used to do; however, my own recovery has taught me the value of having no contact with toxic people and their followers. A toxic person aggressively disrespected me in a public place. One witness immediately remarked, with a shocked look on his face, that the aggressor must be having a really bad day. Unfortunately, he had to leave and missed the escalating aggression that revealed a toxic pattern I’d been ignoring – a toxic pattern that had long undermined the reputation of that witness, his wife, and everyone who eventually took the toxic person’s side through her ongoing gossip about all of them. That same witness, who had a leadership role in the organization where this happened, informed me my aggressor admitted her ego had caused her to act in such an inappropriate manner. When I later encouraged that witness to address the inappropriate behavior for the safety of future members, he said this person and her followers had acted that way out of concern for me. She had effectively overshadowed her own admission that her ego had caused the problem as well as the obvious inappropriate behavior of screaming at a vulnerable person who had come to that organization for help. In this case, objective witnesses reached out to help me recover. What they helped me admit to myself assures me I’m giving this a fair assessment.

I was a caregiver for my father. His care was given to me by the State after previous caregivers abused him. The abuse and neglect were so bad, his story was published in a local news source. When I shared that publication and court records with some people who were being influenced by his abusers, they ghosted me and drew closer to the abusers. Written reports about the abuse were overshadowed by whatever tactics his abusers used to discredit my father and me.

Since I have a history of being vulnerable to toxic people, I could give many more examples, but I think three are sufficient to make my point. Unfortunately, this ability to overshadow facts seems to be universal with toxic people. I see it all the time with people I advocate for. Sadly, I even see it in our current United States political system - politicians who bully vulnerable people, lie, and other behaviors we would punish our children for have huge followings of people who credit them with qualities and spirituality they obviously don’t possess. I’m convinced, and my counselor tells me she agrees, that toxic people discredit their victims to keep the focus off of themselves, so they won’t be revealed for who they really are. The more strategies we have to protect ourselves from toxic people, the safer and happier our lives will be.

My counselor taught me that most people who are vulnerable to toxic people have been victimized repeatedly. She said victims have admirable qualities that toxic people want to exploit for their own purposes. This article explains some of those qualities: https://www.yourtango.com/2018311194/5-personality-traits-attract-narcissists-relationships.

If a person has these qualities, they must learn to protect themselves since they can’t change toxic people. Learning strategies that strengthen your boundaries is one way to protect yourself. This article from Psychology Today outlines ways repeated victims of toxic people can make themselves safer: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201711/why-am-i-attracting-so-many-narcissists. This aligns with this previous post from my blog that outlines ways I’ve changed to make myself safer: https://ronisharp.wixsite.com/mysite/blog/it-wasn-t-about-being-nice. This blog posts tells how I too often made the mistakes that are described in the Psychology Today article. My counselor described my habit of accepting behavior that most people reject as me having broken radar. Since I’d been conditioned to accept toxic people at a young age, my radar didn’t pick up the warning signs. I’m learning to see the warning signs.

My radar became weak again when I experienced exhaustion from long-term caregiving for several elderly family members in a row. I blamed the exhaustion exclusively until my counselor reminded me of something stated in the YourTango article I shared earlier in this post - toxic people are attracted to caregivers. A person who is willing to sacrifice for the benefit of others is more likely to be willing to sacrifice for the benefit of the toxic person. Understanding this allows me to continue strengthening my boundaries without blaming myself for my radar becoming weak again.

The Psychology Today article I shared earlier in this post tells how victims of narcissists tend to be too forgiving and look for the best in people. This was very true in my case. I spent most of my life being ridiculed for being “too nice.” I was surprised that the same people who had ridiculed me chastised me for being what they perceived as unforgiving when I began to set boundaries. Your growth may not be greeted the way you want or expect it to be.

This was particularly surprising for me, because my development of boundaries was slow. In the early stages, I realized what I wouldn’t accept any more but groveled for the understanding and permission of toxic people to implement the boundaries needed to remove what I no longer wanted to accept – something I was never going to receive. After that, I spent many years taking two steps forward and one step back. My boundaries didn’t become firm until the incident I described earlier in this post of the toxic person who disrespected me in public. The objective witnesses who took me under their wing provided a safe space and support that allowed me to make a huge leap in my ability to implement boundaries.

Be easy with yourself if your boundaries strengthen in stutter steps like mine did. If you need to set boundaries, your journey is probably not starting in a safe and supportive place, so it’s understandable if you progress in stutter steps. Fortunately, setting boundaries is likely to change you in ways that will bring safer and more supportive people into your life. Once that happens, you will be able to progress more confidently and with fewer pitfalls. Be easy on yourself, and recognize the warning signs in people who are not supportive of your progress – they may be trying to derail you, so you can continue to serve them in some way.

I recommend a book that was very helpful to me (and the workbook if you are so inclined) called “Boundaries,” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This is a link to that book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2GL3M7NUJDOYB&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend&qid=1579008416&sprefix=Bounddaries%2Caps%2C365&sr=8-1. I also recommend talking to a counselor if you find yourself repeatedly attracting and/or retaining toxic people in your life.

Whatever way you choose to work on protecting yourself from toxic personalities, I wish you luck and pray that you achieve your goals.