So You Want To Have Stronger Boundaries

My goal is to post information in a sequence that will build a foundation. I hope to present the building blocks first, so those who have been mishandled or abused will have an easier road to recovery. There are many things I wish I would have learned in a different sequence, because my journey would have been easier. I think the next building block should be obstacles a person may face as they develop the boundaries that are often necessary for healing. I am not a counselor. I am sharing what I learned in my personal healing journey, because I hope sharing what helped me will help others. Let me emphasize here that when I talk about how people with addiction or personality disorders harmed me in my life and how I recovered from that, I am talking about people who chose not to go into recovery or get the medical treatment they needed or who chose not to make amends when they are the one who created the harm. Those who get the help they need should be given the support they need. I became a caregiver for one person who harmed me with addiction and personality disorders after they got the help they needed and began to recover, and I took care of them for the rest of their life.

The information I’m sharing today was learned late in my healing journey. It would have been a lot easier if I would have learned these things sooner. Therefore, I want to share them at the beginning in this blog.

There is something that repeatedly happened during my healing that I thought was unique to me. When I talked to others who were healing, I learned it was common. That something is people giving bad advice about forgiveness and unconditional love. In some cases, it seemed to be due to people having an incorrect definition of these terms. In other cases, it seemed to be due to people wanting to shut you up before you made waves. In those cases, the people who were preaching about forgiveness and unconditional love were angry and not forgiving to the person they were preaching to. The way those feelings caused them to act didn’t seem loving, much less unconditionally loving. These types of people make me think of the C. S. Lewis quote, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.”

Please don’t misunderstand me. It is important to forgive, but forgiveness has little to do with the other person. Most of the time they don’t care or won’t know if you forgave them. Forgiveness is about us having peace in our own lives. When we forgive, we let go of anger that might harm our decision-making processes or our health. We stop dwelling on it. It no longer dominates our thought processes, which can harm our decision-making processes and take energy away from our goals and our life. We lose any desire to retaliate. We acknowledge that it happened, accept it, and move on, hopefully learning a life lesson from it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation with someone who has not taken responsibility for their own bad behavior, especially if they are repeated behaviors. It definitely doesn’t mean taking responsibility for the other person’s actions or the consequences of their actions. That is being codependent and enabling. We can forgive someone from a safe distance.

It is the same with unconditional love. We don’t stop loving the person, but we don’t show ourselves less love than we deserve by accepting abuse from that person either. For those who are Christian, the bible tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves, not more than ourselves. If we have to sacrifice ourselves to be in a relationship with someone, we can love them from a safe distance. Loving someone from a safe distance can look like not openly bad-mouthing them, not retaliating against them, praying for them in a loving way that does not accuse them but asks for blessings for them, etc. That doesn’t mean we can’t talk to those in leadership positions if that person is harming an organization we are involved in, and it doesn’t mean we can’t pick a sounding board to help us come to grips with what happened. It does mean not taking what you say beyond that leader or sounding board. No one is helped by talking to everyone who will listen. That only brings more harm, and unconditional love does not bring more harm. Unconditional love does what is within its power to minimize the negative impact of the situation without sacrificing itself.

I recommend as you start or continue your healing journey that you avoid any healing support, no matter what form it comes in, who preaches forgiveness and unconditional love without recognizing the necessary boundaries that go along with that. I will begin by talking about organizations that may do this and will end by talking about one-on-one relationships. If they don’t recognize boundaries, any person who gets harmed will likely get re-victimized by demands that they forgive unconditionally. What should happen is that the person doing the harm should be expected to correct their behavior or leave for the safety of those who are exhibiting good behavior. The responsibility must always be on the person who is exhibiting bad behavior, never on the person who received it. When that is not the case, people are not safe.

One thing I will discuss in future posts is how to overcome codependency and enabling. For those who are not familiar with these terms, the nutshell explanation is the state of being people live in when they learn to surrender their own wants and needs to walk on eggshells around a dysfunctional or destructive personality or environment. Imagine if someone who is struggling with codependency or enabling walks into a group that expects forgiveness and unconditional love without boundaries. They will be expected to retain their codependent and enabling behaviors. Thus, healing and growth cannot happen for them. Even worse, imagine if a person with addiction or personality disorder issues who is used to creating codependents and enablers walks into that group. They will be given permission to prey on the codependents and enablers again. The same dysfunctional dynamic these people are trying to heal from will be re-created. They would be served just as well to return to their dysfunctional family or environment, because the same dynamic is occurring.

In the last paragraph, I mentioned addiction and personality disorders. It can often be a slippery slope to have functional relationships with people dealing with those disorders. I learned in my own recovery that this can be especially true with a group of personality disorders called Cluster B personalities. I have Cluster B personalities in my life, and they often made me feel like I was going crazy. That group includes sociopaths, people with borderline personality disorder, people with narcissistic behavior disorder, and people with histrionic disorder. People who have not dealt with this may have a difficult time understanding. People who have been the victim of someone with these disorders will immediately understand what I am talking about. People with these disorders who are not receiving treatment are often masterful at manipulating people and situations to the point that the people who become their victims feel like a cornered animal waiting for the axe to drop. People who are not their victims may see them as charming, because they often charm people who still serve a purpose for them. Sometimes that purpose is leading the ones they are charming in abuse by proxy against their victims. Most medical professionals will tell their victims the only way to survive it is NO CONTACT! This is what I was advised by the medical professionals helping me, and there are people who were in my life that I now have no contact with. Any contact opens the door for them to manipulate again, and they can be so masterful at it that it is too dangerous to have contact. Imagine if someone with a Cluster B personality disorder finds their way to a healing place that is telling its members to forgive and love unconditionally with no boundaries, especially if the victims of bad behavior are asked to leave if they can’t master that. Imagine the great harm that could do to the vulnerable people who are there for healing.

Those who have or will read the first book in my series, “The Blood Moon Sealed My Fate,” will probably recognize the Cluster B personalities in the book if they have any experience in this area. Write what you know is excellent advice, and I did.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t just happen in places where people go for healing. It also happens in many religious environments where the definitions of forgiveness and unconditional love do not include boundaries. Cluster B personalities are often attracted to people who are very kind and forgiving; therefore, churches and church members who don’t include boundaries as part of their definitions can be prime targets. The church was a big culprit in my non-existent boundaries that I talked about in last week’s post. People, and especially women, were expected to forgive and love unconditionally without boundaries. This sent many abused women back home to an abusive spouse with the responsibility for his actions and his salvation on their shoulders. I heard this so much that I was shocked when I learned that Matthew 18:15-18 says that if someone sins against us we should talk to them, then talk to them with a witness, and if they still won’t change their bad behavior they are to be expelled from the church. Remember that the bible warns us to be wary of wolves in sheep’s clothing who are acting Godly, so obviously God knew church was not the right environment for everyone. God knew the flock must be protected from the wolves. Most churches don’t expel or excommunicate people any more (although some still do), but I still clearly see a message that if someone won’t repent of harming us that we should be separated from them. Farther down in Matthew Chapter 18 it does say to forgive 70x7, so what does that mean when it follows a scripture that tells us to separate from someone who won’t repent from harming us. To me, it says we can forgive and love unconditionally from a safe distance. Here is an excellent article that talks about that: http://southlakecounseling.org/when-a-christian-meets-a-sociopath/

My experience has taught me that any organization that emphasizes forgiveness and unconditional love without boundaries is an organization to be avoided, and that is especially true if their guidelines invite victims to leave for not displaying these traits while perpetrators are ignored or protected. It is perfectly acceptable to ask how it will be handled if someone makes you feel unsafe in a healing environment that must be safe since it is helping people who are already vulnerable. If you aren’t comfortable with their answer, it is perfectly acceptable to leave. If you are harmed again and nothing constructive is done to correct it, it is imperative that you leave. In addition, any healing place or religious organization that only sees things in black and white and is not willing to learn from its members experiences, and especially experiences that led to spiritual or healing growth, is an organization that needs to be avoided. My way or the highway thinking is not acceptable in any religious or healing environment. If you need to heal, you have been harmed at some point in time. As part of your healing, protecting yourself from further harm should be a priority.

The same holds true for one on one relationships. A few years ago, the State gave me sole responsibility of being the caregiver for my father after his previous caregivers abused him. The State, law enforcement, a social worker, a counselor, and clergy all told us no contact with the previous caregivers. The previous caregivers charmed people we otherwise rarely heard from into trying to convince us to reconcile. Even after I told them it was a personal safety issue, they pushed for reconciliation. My father had been abused. They were re-victimizing him by putting the blame of the separation on us while not holding his abusers accountable for their actions.

Whether it be a religious or healing organization or a person, do not let people make you feel guilty for setting boundaries with someone who has harmed you. Do not let them make you feel unforgiving or unloving. When people try to make you feel that way, they are re-victimizing you. You have every right to set a boundary and forgive and love from a safe distance. You even have a right to take the time you need to heal enough to be able to forgive and love again as long as you act appropriately while you are healing. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for setting boundaries. It is imperative that forgiveness and love have boundaries.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is an addict or a Cluster B personality, please refer to the Resource List I posted two weeks ago and look up resources under the headings of addiction, mental illness, codependency, and scapegoating. I will be talking more about these subjects in future blog posts, but I want you to be able to start contacting resources that may be able to help you as soon as possible. There are other resources out there as well, and you are, of course, welcome to use any of them. The ones on my list are ones I found effective when they helped me or someone else I know. If you are aware of other resources that have proven effective, please make me aware of them, so I can add them to this list.