Religious Aggressors

In last week’s post, I wrote about a woman who became so aggressive about her religious beliefs that she caused everyone in a crowded classroom to leave. Sadly, too many people from my religious past acted that way without realizing it runs more people away than it attracts. Having that in my past is why I wrote in last week’s post that I was the last one to leave. In this post, I will explain why I was the last one to leave in the hope that it will help others who’ve had similar experiences. There are religious people who are so convinced they’re right that they are not receptive to learning beyond what they already believe. Instead of accepting new information, they defend themselves even when it isn’t necessary. Many are so afraid that new information will create doubt in their faith that they act in very non-spiritual ways to protect their worldview. When I was one of them, it was because religious leaders had told me the world was dangerous to my faith. Even after I stopped being a religious aggressor myself (and I humbly apologize to anyone I hurt when I was one), it continued to seem normal to me when I saw it in other people. It seemed so normal that I was codependent to those kinds of people in the hope or remaining safe (again, I humbly apologize to anyone I hurt). It was much harder to discern correctly when I saw religious aggression in other people than it was to stop doing it myself. I belong to a Facebook group called Goodbye Abusive Church – Hello Holy Spirit Healer – Ekklesia. Recently, they posted the picture that I am using for this blog post. That picture says: “Giving in to a controlling person might feel like “Keeping The Peace” for the moment, but it’s actually starting a very toxic pattern.” That is a pattern I’m working very hard to break. It is also a pattern that I hope sharing my story will help other people to break as well. Religion is not the only place this happens. There are many people who are as loyal to a political party as the people I just wrote about are to their religion. They get aggressive with anyone who expresses a different opinion. When this is combined with religious devotion (i.e., you must vote a certain way to be right with God), the aggression can become vicious. Religion combined with politics was a big part of my past; therefore, it took a lot of healing for me to overcome the codependency that had once kept me safe and thus I incorrectly believed it always would. It can also happen with someone who has an addiction they’re not ready to face. If they feel forced to face their addiction before they’re ready, they can aggress like a cornered animal. A person with a Cluster B personality disorder (borderline, narcissistic, histrionic, and/or sociopathic), especially if they are gaslighting the person they aggress against, can defend themselves with aggressive behavior. It can happen when a person is in a place of fear. As one of many possible examples, a person who’s complaining about an abusive spouse may become aggressive if they’re advised to act in defense of themselves when they’re afraid to. I believe fear may be a common root for many inappropriately aggressive people. If a person has an abuse history, it can happen if someone says something that brings up a memory of their abuse. That is called triggering. It makes me very sad when I see this happen, because they often lose the people who receive their triggering behavior. Too often, this is due to not being able to calm down and see how benign the words were that caused them to trigger. There may be many other reasons why a person aggresses. I am able to list the ones I’ve listed, because those were common in my past – living in poverty in a religious/political environment where various types of abuse led to addiction and personality disorders. I had to work very hard to recover enough to be repelled by that type of behavior instead of becoming codependent to it. While healing, I learned that sticking to beliefs so rigidly that new information is immediately rejected is called cognitive dissonance. Here is a link to a Wikipedia article about it: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance. People with cognitive dissonance often avoid contradictory information by becoming aggressive to block new information that might challenge their beliefs. I also learned that people often use logical fallacies to argue when they are stuck in cognitive dissonance. There are many types of logical fallacies, and a definition of each is given at this website: https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/. If you study the different types of logical fallacies until you understand them enough to have them in your toolbelt, you’ll be better able to protect yourself when someone uses them on you. When people become aggressive to protect their beliefs, they’re exhibiting the strawman logical fallacy, which is misrepresenting someone else’s argument to make it easier to attack the other person and/or their argument. Some of the reasons I’ve seen people become aggressive still shocks me days, weeks, months and years later. A person will say something benign. The aggressor twists what was spoken into the most ridiculous scenarios and can’t see that they heard it wrong or that their response was actually the uncivil one. To emphasize how badly words can be twisted, I once saw someone trigger because a person expressed love. The aggressor thought that meant the person hated them. You can imagine how confusing that is to the person on the receiving end of that aggression. If you’ve been around aggressive personalities enough that they seem normal (they are not!) or you’re still employing safeguards that once kept you safe (but may or may not be working as well now), please know that you have options. If someone is aggressive in a non-physical way (your physical safety should always be a priority) and is willing to make amends and strive for personal healing, you may be able to reconcile with that person. I have successfully reconciled with several people who dedicated themselves to personal healing – I was even an elder care caregiver for one of them. However, if an aggressive person is so closed to new information that they can’t make amends and heal, chances are it will get worse. How can you resolve anything with someone who gets aggressive every time you don’t agree with them? It doesn’t mean you’re unforgiving if you chose to separate from a person who can’t be reasoned with. You can forgive and show love from a safe distance. All you have to do is not retaliate, be kind while holding your boundaries if you encounter them, don’t ruin their reputation with gossip, and pray for them if you pray. Those things are forgiveness and love in action. You are not responsible for another person’s behavior. Like I said earlier in this post – keeping the peace in the moment starts a very toxic pattern. If talking with an aggressive person resolves things, that is great. If talking results in more aggression, you can separate from that person for your own safety and peace of mind. If it happens in a place where you have the power to keep others safe (such as your job, church, recovery group, etc.) then speak up, but remember the Serenity Prayer as you do: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” If the leaders of any organization are not willing to protect the people they’re responsible for, there is no shame in leaving. In my healing process, strengthening my boundaries helped me take more appropriate stands with irrationally aggressive people. Two books that helped me a lot were: 1) Boundaries: When To Say Yes And How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Here is a link to that book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sxts_sxwds-bia-wc-p13n1_0?cv_ct_cx=Boundaries&dchild=1&keywords=Boundaries&pd_rd_i=0310351804&pd_rd_r=550cb176-c47a-444c-9eec-3b710e670f8c&pd_rd_w=ngdTx&pd_rd_wg=FQkuf&pf_rd_p=224b59c9-c98f-46fd-96d6-8e952866d6a3&pf_rd_r=3H8R2ZFMGFKFHGBB6KXP&psc=1&qid=1601956964&sr=1-1-a14f3e51-9e3d-4cb5-bc68-d89d95c82244 1a) I also recommend the Workbook. Here is a link to it on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Workbook-When-Take-Control/dp/0310352770/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=Boundaries&qid=1601957080&sr=8-3 1b) Dr. Henry Cloud has a YouTube Channel. I recommend you subscribe to it to receive ongoing lessons about keeping your boundaries strong. Here is a link to his channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXxplO2WuYhm2-EFGtgRBJw 2) The Christians Guide To No Contact, How To End Your Relationships With Narcissistic, Psychopathic, and Abusive Family and Friends, and Still be a Good Christian, by Sister Renee Pittelli. Here is a link to her book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Christians-Guide-Contact-Relationships-Narcissistic/dp/1546336664/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=The+Christians+Guide+To+No+Contact&qid=1601957143&sr=8-1 In addition, the group I mentioned earlier in this post, Goodbye Abusive Church – Hello Holy Spirit Healer – Ekklesia, helped me a lot. I recommend joining that group if people who were aggressive in your past were religious. I’ve belonged to them for several years, and they have helped me a lot. In my next few blog posts, I’ll talk about some common misconceptions from my religious past that led people to be aggressive, both in person and on social media, in defense of their faith even when their faith didn’t need to be defended.