Recovering From People With A Spirit of Religion

I have so much to say on this subject that this post may need to have two parts. I also don’t honestly know if my writing will be as strong as I would normally want it to be, because this subject is so painful to me. I have been a family caregiver for several people in a row over many years, so I’ve experienced enough in this area that I admit I’m still healing.

I have told the story before about how I chose to leave Christianity for a while and went to another religion. While I was in that religion, I discovered that I didn’t need to change religions in order to be safer. I needed to learn how to stop being so vulnerable to toxic people, especially predatory people. I had been taught in Christianity that women needed to be submissive to an extreme, so my boundaries were especially weak in the weeks and months immediately after I left Christianity. Although they are stronger now, I was taught so well both by teaching and the example of women around me, especially my Mom, that I will have to work on recovery for the rest of my life. How vulnerable I again became when years of caregiving made me exhausted taught me that lesson.

The reason I came to the realization that I needed to stop being so vulnerable are the parallels I saw between the two religions. As one example, the Christians I came from blamed any illness on the person’s sin and any lack of recovery from illness on the person’s sin. With different terminology, the people in the other religion did the same thing. They blamed a person’s illness on their negative thoughts and their lack of recovery from illness on the person’s negative thoughts. I came to realize that people with a spirit for religion find a way to blame people for any hardships in their lives while people who have a spirit for God (a higher power) in whatever way the worship him (or her for some people) handle suffering people with compassion. People who are worshipping God instead of religion will pray with sick people instead of presenting prayer to them as an accusation. People who are living spiritually instead of embracing every theory they’ve been presented will sit next to a sick person and hold their hand while encouraging them with positive thought instead of using it as an accusation. In the end, accusations will never be present no matter what the outcome is.

I am going to tell a story from each of these categories in the next couple of paragraphs. As you read them, please keep in mind that these are stories from the religious attitude side of the equation. That does not mean that I think everyone who is a Christian or who employs positive thought falls into these categories. I will share some positive spirit-filled examples from both of these schools of thought later in this post. I do not want to offend anyone who is doing it right. And, my hope in pointing out how it can harm people when it’s done wrong is that people who are doing it wrong will adopt a less harmful approach in the future.

I will give an example from each category. When my father became so ill I couldn’t safely take care of him at home, he lived in a nursing home during his last months. Since I was brought up in an Appalachian culture where it was taboo not to care for your elderly relatives, I stayed with him every free moment while he was in the nursing home. When I saw the level of care he was receiving, I surrendered personal commitments and stayed with him around the clock. A “geriatric missionary” came to the nursing home every Sunday to preach to the people who lived there. While justifying care concerns (that Senior-Aide lawyers later proved and took action against) that could have improved everyone’s health who lived there, this missionary routinely blamed the residents and their families for the person’s state of health. Her reasoning was we didn’t pray enough without asking or understanding any of our commitments to prayer. In essence, ignoring true care concerns to blame the family for their prayer patterns was a form of victim shaming and blaming – a too common practice among people with worship the laws of their religion above spirituality.

One day, I got fed up with her accusatory approach. I reminded her that many of the people she was judging had lived to be 100 plus years old; therefore, they must have done something right for God to grant them so many years that had mostly been lived in good health. I then shared with her the many obstacles my father had overcome in his life in spite of handicaps he had since childhood; therefore, he must have done something right to be blessed with so many years full of activities many believed were beyond his abilities. I asked her what sins she needed to repent of that she could only see the negatives in the situation. I asked her why she didn’t pray enough to have a deeper understanding. She couldn’t get away from me fast enough and didn’t return. The next Sunday, a pastor and his wife came to the nursing home as “geriatric missionaries.” I never saw that woman again.

Now, I will share one of many similar stories from the positive thought camp. I was attending a church who focused on a book that taught positive thought as an answer to everything. One of the concepts I learned was that positive thought will bring us the desires of our heart. I had two desires all of my life. One was to be a published author. The second was to be able to take care of my parents when they got old. Our culture had always emphasized loving and respectful care of our elderly, and I knew my parents had been taught to expect that. It would be cruel to have them raised with that expectation, especially since we came from a mountain poverty that meant there would be few other options available, and not deliver. However, I was the first generation of women working outside the home, and I didn’t know how I would be able to do it. I prayed all of my adult life that God would provide what I needed to be able to meet that cultural expectation and care for my parents when they became old. God answered the desire of my heart and met all of the needs that would have kept me from doing that. In addition, he met the second desire of my heart by having my first book published shortly after they passed away.

I was so excited that God had answered my prayer of many years. My Dad was still well enough then that I could leave him alone for brief periods of time, so I went to the grocery store. While I was in the parking lot, I saw a lady from the church class that was teaching positive thought. I was so excited that God had given me the desire of my heart, that I ran to her to tell her the good news. As soon as the words caregiver came out of my mouth, she tsk’d me several times and then said, “Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda, what am I going to do with you? If you would just think positive like I think positive then you would have money and cars and vacations like I now do. I am going on a vacation next month that is my dream vacation. I was worried for weeks before that it wouldn’t manifest the way I wanted it to manifest, but at the last minute I learned that my employer was going to pay for it since the trip will combine business and pleasure. If you would only think positive, you would have the same things.”

When she finished that rant, which lasted about fifteen minutes, I said, “First of all, if you were worried for weeks before, that is not positive thought, so don’t judge me. Second of all, the class taught that positive thought would manifest the desires of our heart. I have never desired cars and vacations and all of the luxuries you have just described. As long as my car starts every morning, I am happy even if my car is a hoop-de. Although I’ve wanted some things along the way, I’ve only had two true desires of my heart in my lifetime, and one of them was just given to me. I came over here to share with you how happy I am about that, and you chastised me before hearing what I had to say. Is that positive?”

She stuttered for a good two minutes before she was able to stutter out, “Oh, I see what you mean. It’s like when you have a baby. Labor is difficult, but when the baby is in your arms you get the desire of you heart. Caregiving is difficult, but it is bringing you a desire of your heart.”

When I said, “Exactly,” she ran away from me. I didn’t attend that church much longer because of several similar incidents that happened to me and others, but she avoided me each time she saw me in church after that.

Please do not misunderstand me. I think that prayer is a wonderful thing, and I pray and ask others for prayer all the time. Prayer helped my family and me rise above some things in ways that were so miraculous it couldn’t have been anything other than God. The difference is I leave the outcome up to God in faith instead of judging the person asking for prayer if it didn’t turn out the way I thought it should. I know many other people who approach prayer in that same way, and I appreciate them so much. Even Paul in the bible mentions that he had a thorn in his flesh that God chose not to take away. Many of the people who have done great enough things to be made Saints by the church were plagued with chronic illness. My favorite saint, Hildegard of Bingen, was plagued with illness throughout her life. History shows us that those who are so strong in the faith that they live close to the spiritual often suffer a physical toll from it. Maybe walking that close to the spirit world drains the body, maybe there is some wisdom that is learned from suffering, or maybe it is something else or a combination of things. All I feel confident about is that it doesn’t mean they should be accused or blamed any more than any person living today should be accused or blamed.

I also think that positive thought is a wonderful thing. I only have a problem with it when outcomes are judged because of positive thought theories. I was born handicapped and sick into some pretty difficult situations, and prayer and positive thought have helped me rise above them. Many people where I came from succumbed to some form of addiction or worse instead of seeing options and taking them. Positive thought led me to believe that if I worked hard (and that my handicapped body could work hard in many ways even if all ways weren’t an option for me), I could rise above it all and live my dreams. Between God and positive thought, I have achieved my dreams and more. The difference is that I don’t judge myself for the times I failed, especially since failure taught me valuable lessons as well as fueled my desire to succeed and kept me moving forward. That is what positive thought looks like – believing enough to act and not victim shaming or blaming if the outcome doesn’t look exactly like we thought it would.

My problem with a victim shaming and blaming approach to prayer or positive thought theories is that it often stops or slows the process of healing. Even worse, it can create new scars that need to be healed. Due to seeing that happen so many times when I was a family caregiver, I was moved to tears by what my beautiful friend Robin O’Neal wrote on the subject of positive thought. I am so grateful that she gave me permission to share it in this blog post. Here is what she wrote:

I want to challenge external messages that seek to hurry up the process of healing, growth and transformation - that seem to tell us just "rise above," "raise your frequency," "shift your focus." It's not that I am not a proponent of ALL of those things - I am- yet I don't want to discount anyone's experience of being exactly where they are on their journey. I trust that each paver is the next one that leads to whatever comes next. I don't want to rush you, me or anyone through things or send a message that says where we are isn't ok. Being present means being present to all of it - the pain, the frustration, the beauty, the possibility, the conflict, the healing -- none better or worse -- none in need of fixing or fixation - all just part of it.

She also gave me permission to share this important message that she wrote: Just because I feel sad, angry, frustrated, conflicted, overwhelmed or disappointed and am willing to acknowledge, claim and truly FEEL those "negative" things doesn't mean that I am not simultaneously GRATEFUL, empowered, strong, and whole. It means I am human and I have a heart that can hold many things. It means I am ever expanding in awareness and compassion. It means I am authentic and multi-dimensional. I am practicing holding myself with grace, so I can sincerely offer the same to you. 📷<3 #gratitude #awareness #unitymindset #growth #energy #GAUGEyourlife #enhancingyourworld

I thank Robin so much for these words, because they were healing balm to me after some of the positive thought theory experiences I’ve had in the past.

I would like to end with a quote from another beautiful friend, Artis Sims, that was also like healing balm to me after having so many magical thinking expectations placed on me while I was a family caregiver. Artis said, “You can live as consecrated as Jesus yet it won’t exempt you from Life! Jesus showed you this.” She is so correct. If Jesus' perfection didn’t allow him to live a life without trials, how can we expect that from other people who live among us now.

We can’t stop other people from judging us if that is what they choose to do. The only advice I can give is to live understanding what is written on the picture I shared with this post: There is no one right way. Just figure out what works for you. In addition, surround yourself with people who allow you to live what works for you without judgment. It is wonderful people like Robin and Artis and many others who are helping me heal from the judgmental forms of religion and spiritual theories I was exposed to. In the second part of this post that I will share next week, I will share how wise spiritual and religious people like them are helping me heal enough to trust again after being almost destroyed by the egos of some religious and spiritual people.