Positive Thought Is Motivation; Not Magic

As I said in my last post, I want to share the things that would have helped me build a stronger foundation if I would have had them in the beginning before I start talking about the stories behind the information on the Resource List. Sadly, I learned most of these things through the school of hard knocks. I wish I would have known them earlier, and my journey would have been easier.

During my journey, I had many people who didn't have the whole story or wrongfully believed they had the whole story judging my situation. Sometimes that judgment came in the form of spiritual advice. In the church, it was called a word; outside the church, it was often called a message. I am so grateful that I took the scripture that tells us to test the spirits literally, because it led me to write down all of the spiritual messages I received to test their accuracy over time. Most of them proved to be wrong. The few that proved to be right came from humble messengers who emphasized the message was about me and not them; therefore, I must determine what it means and how accurate it is. In other words, they were free of ego. The messages that proved to be wrong slowed me down and made things harder, because ego from the person delivering the message too often made them or their expectations part of the process. I believe ego blocks the spirit and thus messages (or receiving a word).

One of the messages I often got was that any hardship we have in our lives was caused by our own negative thoughts. That if we have only positive thoughts, only positive will come to us. Don't get me wrong - I'm a big supporter of positive thought, only because thinking positive makes life more pleasant and makes us more likely to achieve our goals. What I don't believe is that positive thought is magic.

I admit I bought into that theory at first. When I started to question it was when I was helping a teenager who was in a very difficult situation, and I asked for prayers for her in a church that embraced positive thought as a religion and magic. I was chastised for even talking about this girl's story and was told that asking for prayers for her and helping her would bring negative thought into my life and the lives of those around me - thus, it shouldn't happen. I could almost feel the walls go up these people were so desperate to protect themselves from any negative thought. As I helped this girl, I realized how wrong they were. They were all hiding behind a wall of fear, yet I received the positive experience of watching this young woman climb above this obstacle, recover since part of it was medical, finish high school, get married, and have children. She is in her late twenties now, and there is nothing more positive than watching her blossom and shine. The people who were so afraid of a negative thought that they hid from the situation missed the beauty of watching this girl creating lemonade out of lemons.

Shortly after that happened, I became a caregiver for my father. Let me give you the back story on this. I come from an Appalachian culture, which is probably pretty obvious from my "The Blood Moon Series" books. In Appalachia, the daughters always took care of their parents when the parents got old. I was the only daughter, and I was the first generation living in this non-Appalachian city culture. I had a job. Since I was trying to rise above the poverty of my Appalachian family, which meant helping my parents do the same, I often worked well over forty hours a week. I was the trail blazer. I was the one who was going to have to figure out how being in this new culture as a working-outside-the-home woman while still being considerate of those whose who were relying on the old ways to get their elder needs met was going to work. I prayed all of my life that God would give me an answer to that dilemma and help me find a way when they got old. He did. He worked out everything, including financial, to allow me to provide the care the old culture had taught my parents would be there for them when they got old.

This emphasized to me the power of prayer - that God can pick up the pieces for us when we're too concerned with worldly matters to watch every thought that enters our mind. I did not always think positive when I prayed and asked God to help me find a way to care for my parents in their old age in the way their culture taught them to expect. Often I was afraid. Often I was lacking faith that I would find a way. In spite of that, God answered that prayer and gave me what I'd been asking for.

Granted, the financial became an option due to my hard work prior to that, but that was not due to magic. It was due to me thinking positive enough to believe that if I worked hard things would get better, so I worked hard. Positive thought is not magic. Positive thought is a motivator that leads us to keep trying, because we believe we can make a difference, instead of giving up.

Having all of the resources I needed to be able to be a caregiver for my parents had been my lifelong dream. That is why I prayed all of my life for God to work out a way for me to do that. This positive thought teaching taught that positive thought would bring us the desires of our heart. I got the desire of my heart. Yet, a few days after I started taking care of my Dad, I met one of the people from this positive thought church in the parking lot of the grocery store. I ran up to her to tell her I had received the desire of my heart. I can still heard her condescending tone as I tell you what she said. She said, "Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda, tsk, tsk, tsk. You just don't get the message we have been trying to teach you. If you would only think positive like me, you wouldn't be burdened with caregiving. I have been thinking positive, and I have a great job, a new car, and I'm going on a fantastic trip with my work next week (as an aside, all of the things I already had and gave up to be a caregiver, because the positive thought of my youth led me to the ACTION of working hard to elevate myself and my family above poverty). I worried and worried about how I was going to come up with the money for this trip, but positive thought brought it to me." I regret that I didn't say this to her when I thought it, but how can you admit you worried and worried and think that is positive thought. I am grateful that I said to her, "You told me this positive thought theory you have will give us the desires of our heart. I got the desire of my heart. I was coming over here in joy to tell you that after a lifetime of prayer I miraculously got every need met that will allow me to take care of my father. That is what my culture does, and it is what I wanted to do more than anything. Because the desires of my heart are not selfish ones like trips and cars and money does not mean they are bad." She stammered for a full minute before she said, "Oh, I see what you are saying. It's like when we are in labor to give birth. It is a trial, but it gives us the desire of our heart in that we have this beautiful child." My answer: "Exactly." I never went to those meetings again.

I got involved in a group after that who mentioned this positive thought theory in their writing. Some of the people I referred to that writing came back to me with the same realization I just shared. When I became a caregiver, I met a lot of caregivers. Several of them told me they were offended by the positive thought theory after reading those writings. They said they had chosen to become caregivers because of positive thought. They believed with all of their hearts they could make a positive difference in the lives of someone they loved who needed care. They resented that only the hardships of caregiving were being seen and apparently judged. They reminded me that believing you can make a positive difference enough to become a caregiver is the epitome of positive thought. What positive thought does is lead us to positive action, not magic, so they chose to make the sacrifices and face the hardships necessary to make life easier for someone they loved. One caregiver told me a story about a family member who had embraced the positive thought theory, and it led them to reject news about the person receiving care for fear this would bring a negative thought into their minds. She pointed out that was fear and not positive thought.

The caregivers who were offended by the positive thought theory taught me about mindfulness. Maybe it is true that when the student is ready they teacher will come. Mindfulness is a way of being in the moment without putting a judgment or a label on it. It is experiencing the good and the bad fully without clinging to it, justifying it, labeling it, judging it, or trying to make it look like something other than it is. Just accept it, live it, learn from it, and keep on going. I remember people from the Appalachian Mountains often said, "It is what it is." They lived the hardships and beauty of those mountains every day in ways that didn't leave room for justifications if you wanted to survive, so they learned you must accept it as it is. When they said, "It is what it is," they were expressing mindfulness. And, in reality, it is what it is. There is great wisdom and freedom in acceptance.

When I was trying to embrace the positive thought teachings, some people told me that the laws of physics and quotes from Albert Einstein supported this theory. Before I got married, I dated a man who was a professor with a doctorate degree in physics. He said they were stretching and cherry-picking the way some people do religious texts to make physics and Einstein say what they wanted or needed them to say. Although I wasn't ready to accept it then, he explained to me that he saw things more along the lines of what I now understand is mindfulness. We create our reality by our actions. If positive thought leads us to positive actions, we are not guaranteed to but are more likely to have positive outcomes, but our thoughts do not magically shift our reality - our actions shift our reality.

Because of the stories I've shared in this post and many others, I learned that any extreme is probably not good. I think mindfulness is the middle ground, and I think the middle ground is the most realistic place to be. Any place that puts all of it's eggs in one basket at either extreme is probably not a good place to be. No one makes it through life with everything being positive or negative. If someone says positive thought will protect them from all negative, then I am concerned when they find out that is not true that they could become that person who hid in their apartment and lived in fear of even hearing the medical condition of a loved one. On the other extreme, if someone only thinks negative, they run the risk of not seeing the positives and thus being unhappy and not believing in anything enough to try to achieve their goals. They run the risk of a wasted life. I recommend finding the middle ground. Think positive and let that lead you to action that will bring the positives you desire into your life. At the same time, don't think of it as the fault of your thoughts when that negative thing does come into your life. In my opinion, blaming a negative in someone's life on that person's thoughts is not only a negative in itself but also puts that person in a state of self blame that is likely to lead them to more negative thoughts (or to hiding in fear like the person who didn't even want to hear the medical condition of a loved one.) Accept that negative thing as a reality of life and think positive enough to keep moving until you are on the other side of it. And, that is pretty much the definition of mindfulness.

If anyone tries to pull you to either extreme, don't let them. This is in line with what I said in last week's blog post. A person who believes in forgiveness and unconditional love without any boundaries is at an extreme. If they don't teach you that you can have boundaries that allow you to forgive and love from a safe distance, they have not prepared you for a dangerous person if you meet them. The other extreme teaches you to hold a grudge and never forgive and love. The middle ground prepares you to protect yourself from a dangerous person (boundaries) while still forgiving and loving from a safe distance. No matter what the extreme message is, if people perceive you badly for not accepting it, don't worry about what they think. Getting people to worry about what a person thinks about them is a form of manipulation that gives the person who thinks badly control over you. As my Dad used to say, "Opinions are like buttholes (only he said the A word), everybody has one." My mantra when I face the judgment of others for not accepting their extreme message is, "What you think about me is none of my business." I've developed that mantra due to seeing from my own mistakes how miserable my life becomes when I start living it to please someone else, especially if that someone else has extreme views.

I will end by saying that this is my experience and my story that I tell in the hope that it will help others avoid some of the pitfalls I faced in my own healing journey. If you disagree with me or see my view as extreme, I encourage you to reject my message as well. You always have a right to chose which messages you will accept.