More Helpful Information For Keeping Yourself Safer

Since I started this blog, I’ve been talking about information I wish I would have known early in my healing journey, because it would have accelerated my healing. So we can move on to other subjects, I’m going to use this blog post to give a list of some psychology terms I haven’t yet covered that I learned in counseling that may be helpful.

SCAPEGOATING

Last week’s blog post talked about scapegoating. That post can be found at this link: https://ronisharp.wixsite.com/mysite/blog/how-to-protect-yourself-from-becoming-a-scapegoat

I have a few final comments on that subject. Although it's hard to be a scapegoat, consider what it would be like if you were one of the people who were involved in scapegoating others. Remember that the articles I shared in last week’s post said that the strongest and healthiest person is usually chosen to be the scapegoat, because they threaten the dysfunction the others are too weak to face and overcome. Would that be a preferable place to be? For me, that comparison helped a lot when a counselor presented it to me.

I advise being cautious about getting involved in trying to help people see their dysfunction and get help, because that sets you up to be a scapegoat. If you express to people that you see the situation clearly and they’re not willing to face and correct it, you run the risk of everything that threatens them being blamed on you whether you had anything to do with it or not. Maybe it’s best to distance yourself until that person acknowledges their need for help and asks for your assistance. I will give a few examples of how this can blow up in your face.

I had a neighbor who shared with me that she had several types of untreated mental illness as well as a history of alcohol and drug addiction. She abused her children horribly, and they often came to me and other neighbors for help. Many neighbors reported her to Child Protective Services. A friend of mine who was a counselor, and thus a required reporter, reported her to Child Protective Services. Several times when she was acting in threatening ways, I called the Mobile Crisis Unit to come and help her. This woman’s sister had been trying to help this woman since she became a mother in an attempt to protect the children. Because of this, the sister got blamed with every report that was made. This led to harassment against the sister, horrible rumors that led to proxy abuse against the sister, etc. This woman assumed that because her sister had tried to help her, that her sister was behind every report that was made even though her behavior was so bad that people were reporting her in almost every environment she found herself in.

When I was a young woman and still living in inner city neighborhoods, I went into counseling, Alanon, and started going to night school (I worked during the day) to try to create a better future for myself. I told several of my friends what I was doing and why. and I invited some of them to Alanon meetings when they complained about the addict in their lives. I was too naïve to realize they wanted to complain but didn’t want help yet. I helped my parents a lot long before I became their full time caregiver, because my Dad was handicapped and my Mom didn’t drive. By the time I worked, attended classes, did my homework, helped my parents, went to my counseling sessions and Alanon meetings, and attended my many doctor’s appointments since I’d been born handicapped and had several illnesses, I didn’t have time to be worrying about anything else. Yet, every time one of them got arrested for drugs, had a visit from child protective services, got their kids taken away, etc., they blamed me. They couldn’t get to the point where they could admit that their bad choices had brought this trouble on them – it just had to be that I made a report. In reality, it’s good that someone was making reports, because their behavior was harming their children. Yet, in their minds, whoever made those reports was the problem. Since they didn’t know who made the reports, they had to blame it on the person that was most likely to have done so in their minds. Since I was improving my life and inviting them to join me when they complained, they assumed the report maker had to be me. It wasn’t. It should have been, but it wasn’t. There weren’t cell phones back then, and I was never home to make a phone call to make a report -- or even to know what was going on in their live for that matter. I became the scapegoat like the sister in the last paragraph of this blog post became the scapegoat.

Just recently I was really shocked that I got a phone call where someone blamed me for making an anonymous report that I again didn’t have time to make, because I’m an exhausted caregiving. Apparently, a report was made in an environment I left. When I left that environment, I said everything I had to say about the dysfunction I could no longer tolerate, so when I left, I was empty. It had all been said, so I was able to leave it behind me with peace in my heart. Yet, because I opened up about why I was leaving, they assumed I had to have made the report. In their minds, no one else in the world could possibly have a problem with them other than the one person who spoke up (instead of whispering behind everyone’s back like 90% of the people there did). I suspect the person who made the report was the person who took over my role when I left. This person has repeatedly called me to complain about the very things I said to leadership when I was leaving. In addition, not too long before that anonymous report was apparently made, she called to ask for my support through a disciplinary meeting that was being set-up to remedy the complaints she was making about the dysfunction. When she shared the meeting results, it was obvious the intent of the meeting was to get her back in line with the dysfunction no one was ready to address. It appeared as if they had re-aligned her when, in reality, she was even more angry due to the feeling she had been railroaded. I suspect that anger led her to make that report even though I encouraged her not to handle it in that way. Yet, it seems I’m being scapegoated for an action I suspect she took even though I discouraged that action.

Life is teaching me that it is better not to get involved – sometimes even when asked. Use discernment every single time!!!!! If someone continues to harass you into supporting them in something after you say no, BEWARE! I went to a different religion for a while. One time when I was on vacation and staying with someone from that religion, my host asked me to do a ritual with him. I said no. He kept pushing until I confessed that I had tried on his branch of our religion and it didn't fit. When he asked why, I shared that I had concerns but wouldn't tell him what they were. He kept pushing. I was in the early stages of recovering from codependency and enabling, so I had the courage to say no but didn't yet have the strength and courage to hold that no when pushed. After three days of pushing, he shared with me his concerns, which were so many it took him all afternoon for him to orate his list. He said he needed my support to validate his concerns that were similar to mine. In addition, he said it was his moral responsibility as member to share any concerns he became aware of. That should have been a warning sign since his "moral responsibility" hadn't yet extended to his own long list of concerns. He promised that if I shared my concerns with him, he would keep my identity confidential. Part of the reason I opened up was I felt empathy for him when he shared his concerns. Another part was he'd been badgering me for three days and was ruining my vacation. The third part was I hadn't recovered from codependency and enabling enough at that time to firmly hold my no against that much pressure. I told him my concerns. When he told the organization "our" concerns (mine were much fewer than his), they told him if he didn't reveal my name they would remove him from the organization. After three days of begging me to support his concerns with my own combined with promises that he would keep my confidentiality no matter what, he didn't even have the courage to address the situation he had created with me. He threatened to commit suicide if they threw him out of the organization, and his wife called and begged for permission to reveal my identity. I never gave it, but she took my words of, "Why are you even asking since you know you're going to do it any way?" as me saying yes. She revealed my identity and that made me look in a very different way than things actually transpired. In hindsight, I'm just grateful to be away from people like that. I am also very grateful that I learned another lesson about human behavior - do not allow other people to drag you into their battles, even if you marginally agree with all of their concerns. If they need to push until you surrender to supporting their battle, there is a problem that already exists that you don't need to involve yourself in.

Am I innocent? No. I am just not guilty of what the people in that organization think I'm guilty of. I'm guilty of still being codependent enough that I allowed myself to be led by someone else instead holding firmly to my original answer of NO. When he kept pushing, I should have left and found other accommodations for the rest of my vacation or returned home. That situation taught me the value of keeping confidences. Several years later, I was working with new visitors and members of an organization as second in command for that role. The person who had primary responsibility didn't listen to the complaints of new people who chose to leave. All of them had the complaint that she turned what they were saying into what she needed to believe about them instead of helping them with their issue. I knew they were telling the truth, because that is exactly what she did to me every time I tried to talk to her, only to later say in a class that if I had a problem with her that I should talk to her about it. My answer was, "I don't have to, because I already did." I still wonder to this day if she didn't realize I talked to her or if she knew I did and was trying to save face publicly in that class. I told each person to talk to the main person in charge, but after the way their concerns had already been discounted some felt it was useless and some were actually afraid to. When they saw I didn't have the power to turn the organization into something they could live with, they chose to leave. I recognized their concerns were valid, so I asked them to take their concerns anonymously to the main person in charge. I did that because I honestly thought it would help the organization become what I knew it had the potential to be instead of a place where everyone whispered the same concerns in gossip without addressing them while making jokes about being a big dysfunctional family. One person finally gave me permission to let them know he was one of the people who left due to the dysfunction as long as they promised to leave him alone, and the rest continued to hide behind my skirt tails no matter how heated the discussions became. Because of the story I told in the last paragraph of this blog post, I kept the confidences of those who didn't give me permission to reveal them; however, I learned another valuable lesson from that. Even if you are in a role where it is your job, do not take it upon yourself to handle anonymous complaints. Give them the advice I originally gave of talking to the main person in charge. If they are too afraid to do that, instruct them to find a way to make an anonymous report in a way they are comfortable with. Don't do that for them. You only set yourself up to be the scapegoat. I believe when we were raised as the family scapegoat or when we haven’t healed from a traumatic scapegoating experience at any time in our lives, we learn to act like the scapegoat in adult situations. In our previous experience(s) as a scapegoat, we were pulled into battles we didn’t belong in. That becomes normal, so we repeat that pattern. That is another reason to choose your battles very wisely!

These examples are just a few of dozens I could give. Therefore, I advise choosing wisely what battles you will involve yourself in. Everyone in a dysfunctional environment has the same tools available to them to change that you do. If they choose not to change, that’s not your responsibility. If you make it your responsibility, you run the risk of opening yourself up to be the scapegoat. Sometimes it’s better to just distance yourself from a dysfunctional environment, especially since you're powerless to change other people any way. Remembering we are powerless to change others is such a powerful tool to allow us to make our own lives the best they can be. That does not mean we should not help in any way we can when someone is on a healing path and are already invested in healing.

GASLIGHTING

Here are links to two articles from Psychology Today about gaslighting that my counselor shared with me that may be helpful to you: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting and https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-know-if-youre-victim-gaslighting.

These articles explain it so well that I don’t need to say much about it. I just want to add that if you suspect you are a victim of gaslighting, I recommend you talk with a counselor if you are not already doing so. You will need support to heal from a gaslighting situation if the counselor you choose agrees that is what you have been subjected to.

TRIGGERING

I learned in counseling that triggering can have two sides. One side is when a person is triggered by something that makes them remember a traumatic event from their past – a flashback. My hope would be that anyone having a flashback would receive all of the support they need from the people who are around them when the flashback occurs.

I also learned in counseling that triggering can also mean someone attacking you, hopefully verbally instead of physically, for saying something that agitates their cognitive dissonance, for acting in a way that thwarts their agenda, or for acting in a way that threatens their control over you. In those cases, you can be shocked by the sudden screaming and yelling someone is throwing at you that you don’t understand. I had this happen to me a couple of years ago, because I got so busy someone who had slowly been getting control of me thought they were losing that control. I made the mistake of trying to explain myself where I didn’t owe any explanations. I recommend not making that mistake. Get up and walk away if someone triggers on you verbally. If that person tries to physically keep you from walking away or if they trigger in a physically abusive way, call the police. If you’re unable to do that, run away, scream for help, or whatever will get you out of that situation.

PROXY ABUSE

Proxy abuse occurs when an abuser feels they can’t inflict sufficient harm on their intended victim, so they manipulate other people into abusing for them. Here is a link to an article that describes proxy abuse: https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/abuse-by-proxy.

Abuse by proxy is sometimes called in psychology Flying Monkeys, and here is an article the explains that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_monkeys_(psychology). As this article explains, proxy abusers are different from enablers. Enablers are people who try to cover up the misdeeds of someone they feel compelled, for whatever reason, to protect. Proxy abusers are sent to do the bidding of the abuser in a manner similar to how the flying monkeys were sent by the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz.

If after reading these articles you feel you are or have been a victim of proxy abuse, I encourage you to talk to a counselor if you are not already doing so. You will need ongoing support to recover from that type of abuse.

TRIANGULATION

Here is an article that describes triangulation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology). My advice to avoid triangulation is to talk directly to any person who is healthy enough to allow that dialogue to be constructive. If someone is not healthy enough to allow dialogue to be constructive, you may need a sounding board. To avoid triangulation or proxy abuse, choose one TRUSTED sounding board so that you can receive support while still keeping the matter as private as you can. If you are in an organization where constructive dialogue is thwarted, then I advise talking to leadership in that organization and keeping what you have to say between yourself and leadership.

If you choose the route of talking to a sounding board or leadership, do not feel or allow yourself to be accused of triangulating, especially if you tried to resolve things with the problem person first and it went so badly you need some support for yourself. You are allowed to have discreet and private support in situations such as that. Keep in mind that triangulating is a tool used to create disagreement between people. Sadly, sometimes that is done to keep one person from learning something about the person who is triangulating that might be revealed if people remain friends. Triangulation is used to separate people, which implies a harmful motive. Finding a sounding board to speak to or making an organization aware of a potentially harmful personality is not triangulating, because there is a healing motive involved in that type of communication instead of a harmful one. Triangulation implies a harmful motive. Do not let anyone accuse you of triangulation if you are trying to resolve a situation in an environment where you need the support of a sounding board or leadership. Intent plays a big role in triangulation.

CODEPENDENCY AND ENABLING

As I said earlier in this post when I wrote about Proxy Abuse, proxy abuse is different from enablers in that enablers protect a person from the consequences of the abuser whereas proxy abusers are sent to do the bidding of the abuser. Codependents and Enablers develop the habit of protecting a dysfunctional person or environment from the consequences of their actions. Although they are often seen as very nice, they can do a lot of harm. As one example, they can take the side of the abuser and victim shame or victim blame the person that abuser harmed. That means they facilitated having that person be abused twice. As another example, they can invest so much effort into protecting a dysfunctional person that their functional relationships suffer, causing regret later on the part of the codependent or enabler.

If you want more information about codependency and enabling, I recommend reading books by Melody Beatty. Most if not all of her books can be found on Amazon.

I confess that this is the category I fit into, and I’ve been working very hard for a long time to recover from it. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still have room to grow. I also realize I will need to work on this for the rest of my life so that I don’t regress into old behaviors.

PERSONALITY DISORDERS

Although there are many types of untreated mental illness and personality disorders, and even untreated addiction, that can cause some of these problems, I learned that in my case I had been exposed to people with Cluster B personality disorders at an early age and kept allowing the familiar back into my life. If there is any mental illness or personality disorder in your life, I recommend that you both talk with a counselor, if you are not already doing so, and become familiar with what the National Association of Mental Illness (www.nami.org) offers. I especially recommend this if reading information about Cluster B personality disorders convinces you that you have people with those disorders in your life.

Here is an article from The Mayo Clinic that describes Cluster A, B, and C personality disorders: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463

One great resource I've found to help if you have someone with borderline personality disorder in your life is BPD Family, which is a resource for the family members and loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder. A link to their site is www.bpdfamily.com. They helped me so much I can’t praise them highly enough.

IN CLOSING I think this covers the topics I wish I would have known earlier in my own healing journey, because this information would have accelerated my healing. In future blog posts, I will move on to the multiple, cumulative, conflicting issues that I began to talk about in the blog post this link takes you to: https://ronisharp.wixsite.com/mysite/blog/cognitive-dissonance-and-logical-fallacies