Magical Thinking

My topic last week was that positive thought is motivation, not magic. This week I will continue my goal of building the foundation I wish I would have had when I began to heal. Another thing I wish someone would have warned me to be wary of was the various forms of magical thinking. Thinking that positive thought magically creates situations instead of motivating us to the actions required to do that is one form of magical thinking, but it is not the only one.

I ran into magical thinking a lot in some fundamentalist forms of Christianity. If you are overall a good person who is not doing anything to cause a negative situation in your life, don’t let anyone tell you your situation is a punishment from God for your sins. Don’t let anyone blame you; don’t let anyone compound your problem by making you feel responsible for it. In the bible, Matthew 5:45 tells us that good and bad both will be visited on the just and the unjust. Therefore, a person could be a perfect angel and have bad visited on them. The story of Job proves that.

The way people interpret things seems to be based on culture and even fads. When I was growing up and even in my twenties, fundamentalist people said Satan was trying to block a good person facing hardships from doing great things that threatened him. Sometimes they said that person was being tested by God like Job had been tested. They were not blamed unless they were doing something that required change before their situation could improve – for example, an alcoholic who needed to quit drinking. In my thirties, I saw that way of thinking begin to shift. People began to give more magical thinking advice that blamed the victim, and that quickly caught on.

I slowly learned to reject anything that doesn’t have practical application to the dilemma I’m in. If remarks or advice provide a practical plan that allows you to work toward a resolution to your problem – awesome! If remarks or advice blames you or provides magical thinking answers that won’t bring you to a resolution for your problem, I recommend rejecting it and not allowing anyone to make you feel bad about yourself or your situation.

I want to give a few examples to clarify my point. I think I have a few examples, because these types of mindsets are more common in the fundamentalism I came from. In addition, I was a caregiver. Caregivers and the sick people they are taking care of face a lot of hard times, so we get a lot of advice and remarks. Even if you are not a fundamentalist, you may get those remarks from some well-meaning person who wants to pray with you in the waiting room of a doctor’s office or hospital. I certainly did.

When my mother became ill, I was her caregiver. Since I was with her daily, I attended her weekly bible-study as long as she remained well enough to go. I remember a bible study where the leader, let’s call her Misses to provide clarity without revealing who she was, chastised my Mom for being sick. Misses said my Mom had not chosen to stay healthy, therefore, it was my Mom’s fault. Misses stated she had decided she was not leaving this earth until the rapture, and since she had decided that, it would be that way. She said my Mom had not decided that, so it was my Mom’s fault. Reality presented itself to Misses. About a year after my Mom passed away, Misses developed an illness similar to my Mom’s illness and passed away from it. Misses decision did not leave her here until the rapture. Some would say that is karma or punishment from God. To say that would be doing the same thing Misses did to my Mom. Besides, common sense tells me that is not the case. People get away with doing bad things all the time. Sometimes people with the worst behavior have the most success in the world, hence the common phrase ‘nice guys finish last.’ My guess is that Misses contracted an illness similar to my Mom’s either due to coincidence or a shared environmental factor. My hope is that this situation woke people up enough that they will stop blaming sick people for their illnesses – and I hope that spreads to other churches in their denomination and other denominations as well.

Another time, my father and I felt counseling would help him during his illness, so I made an appointment for him with a Christian counseling organization. I made them aware that he was illiterate – he could not read or write. During the first appointment, the counselor gave my Dad reading and writing homework. I assumed the counselor did this, because he knew I would help my Dad. I read the things the counselor wanted my Dad to read to him. I also read the questions to him and wrote down his answers. When the counselor found out I helped my Dad, he told me my Dad not doing it himself proved he didn’t really want counseling. When I reminded the counselor that my Dad couldn’t read or write, the counselor said the Holy Spirit would have given my Dad these skills If he really wanted counseling. My Dad hadn’t felt well before we went, so when the counselor became antagonistic, it was too much for my Dad to handle. He asked me to take him to the hospital. As I helped him to the car, the counselor followed us saying my Dad leaving early proved he didn’t want counseling. When we got to the hospital, we found out he had double pneumonia. When I wrote the counseling organization and told them about our experience, the manager gave us the same magical thinking kind of answer. I took my Dad to a non-Christian counselor. He met with her for five years, until he passed away. He made dramatic progress and built such a rapport that it hurt this counselor when he died. That proved he did want counseling.

Later in my Dad’s care, he stayed in a nursing home. The picture I chose for today’s post is my father giving out candy to the neighborhood kids on Halloween while he was in that nursing home. He had declined a lot by the time he was in there, but he still really enjoyed doing everything he was still able to do. He always loved Halloween and giving out candy to the neighborhood kids when he was home. He and I watched this show where ice skaters dressed up in costumes and danced while ice skating and gave out candy to the neighborhood kids together every year, so he really wanted to be involved in giving out candy in the nursing home. This is a picture of him doing that.

While he was there, a minister came each Sunday to preach. During one sermon, she singled me out and told me my Dad was in such bad shape because I didn’t pray enough. My Dad and I prayed together every night before he went to sleep. Those prayers were deep and meaningful due to how much we needed God at that time, but I’m not going to say any more than that since prayer is a private thing. She assumed we didn’t pray enough and blamed his illness on me, which could be seen as bearing false witness since we were praying. That is not a Christian thing to say to a daughter who is devastated by her father’s illness.

Before I end, I want to share an example that is common, especially in fundamentalist Christianity. A caregiver I met during my caregiving experience had a special needs daughter. Some of those needs were related to mental illness. Fundamentalists around us said that mental illness was a sin and taking medication to correct it was giving our minds to the devil. They encouraged her to repent instead of taking medication. Mental illness is an illness. As one of many examples, if a diabetic has the wrong amount of insulin, it can cause behavior changes. The behaviors related to mental illness have a chemical, i.e. physical, component, too. Giving them medication helps them overcome behaviors. Telling them not to take it is like telling a diabetic not to use their insulin. It also borders on practicing medicine without a license. When medication helps them, I would say treating it takes their mind back from darkness (I will not say the devil because people suffering from mental illness deserve better than that), so I do not understand the magical thinking behind this common advice.

Sadly, I could give more examples, but that is enough for a blog post. I don’t want to make this post so long that I need an ISBN to publish it (LOL). I will end by saying that no matter what hardship you are facing, whether it is caregiving or something else, do not let anyone talk to you in a blaming way. When someone talks to you in a blaming way, they are revealing who they are. It has nothing to do with you. Listen to how their words tell you exactly who they are and make decisions about future contact accordingly. If you are going through hard times, you won’t have the energy to spread yourself thin anyway, so I recommend surrounding yourself with the people who give you empathy and constructive advice and let the rest fall by the wayside. It will make your chances of recovering from your hardship a lot better.