Judging? Discerning? When To? How To?

In previous blog posts, I’ve talked about the experiences of my youth that taught me to live mistakes that kept me vulnerable to toxic people. Although some misunderstand me sharing my story and accuse me of not healing from the past, I’ve shared throughout this blog the mistakes I needed to stop making and how doing that is helping me heal my life.

There is a humorous aspect to those accusations. Before I stopped making the mistakes that made me vulnerable, I was often chastised for being “too nice.” After I learned that I had a right to have boundaries and started practicing setting them, many of the same people who had chastised me for being too nice began to chastise me for setting boundaries. When I began to say no to harmful people, situations and events, they began to judge me for what they perceived as me judging others. It seems many people thought I should change without changing anything that would affect them.

I understand that a person can swing from one extreme to the other and judge too harshly while learning to set boundaries. I do not think I did that for two reasons. First, I’ve seen the same counselor throughout my learning process, and I’ve opened every aspect of my life to her to ensure she’s not just hearing my side of the story. She assures me that my evolution from being “too nice” to learning to set stronger boundaries has occurred slowly, with me leaning more toward weak boundaries until very recently. Second, my experiences tell me she’s correct. My early attempts at setting boundaries were weak and looked more like asking permission from the people I was setting boundaries with. Most of the time those weak boundaries got knocked down. Therefore, I believe most people who judged my boundaries as me judging others were people who wanted me to continue to be pliable to them no matter how harmful that was to me.

As I said, my counselor said my boundaries leaned more toward being too weak until recently. I still have work to do and will probably have to work on boundaries for the rest of my life, but a few years ago my ability to strengthen my boundaries experienced a massive shift. Someone triggered on me publicly in a way that objective witnesses described as an attack. Those close to the aggressor initially chastised me for calmly explaining myself instead of being as aggressive with her as she was being with me. As I look back, I believe that was their way of blaming me for the episode. An objective counselor who witnessed that episode assured me I’d been correct to kindly explain my side of the story instead of triggering back aggressively. This counselor said it was maturity not to lash out. She said the only mistake I had made was continuing to defend myself. She said I should have walked away when my first explanation failed to calm my aggressor and lead them to a constructive discussion. As this counselor taught me to strengthen my boundaries, the objective witnesses were proud of me. Those who were on the side of the aggressor shifted their story from the fault being mine due to me being “too nice” to the fault being mine due to me becoming judgmental enough to set boundaries. Sometimes you have to leave people behind who get tossed by the wind as easily as those who were on her side were, so you can anchor yourself with strong people. We all deserve people who give us strong roots instead of the confusion of changing their story to protect themselves from healing their own codependency and enabling.

I am grateful for the growth that experience gave me. I am embarrassed to admit that prior to that I did everything to remedy situations with toxic people. I would talk . . . and talk . . . and talk some more. I ended my attempts to communicate by writing letters to not only the toxic person but also to the people who mattered to me that the toxic person’s lies were influencing. I would have probably reached out in similar way to the aggressor I just describe if objective witnesses hadn’t helped me learn what the big picture of stronger boundaries looks like. Stronger boundaries DO mean letting people know they hurt you instead of living under that hurt indefinitely, but they DO NOT mean chasing the toxic person and trying to help them see how they can communicate with you to stop the hurt. That situation taught me that it’s okay to walk away if they don’t respond in a healthy way to your early communications, maybe even your first communication. You are not responsible for changing anyone but you, and learning to walk away is one way to change yourself into a healthier person. I am happy to report that I’ve learned to walk away.

I admit that I’ve continued to communicate with organizations who are creating dynamics that will allow people to be harmed. I will not apologize for that, because it’s the right thing to do. I will make a commitment to myself to end my communication sooner if the leaders of potentially harmful organizations don’t see the need to create a safer environment for the lives they will touch. However, I do apologize to individuals who I chased to the point of sending them letters as I tried to help them see how they were hurting me and others. I have made a commitment to myself not to do that anymore. In the future, I will walk away from pain caused by people who are not willing to communicate about, take responsibility for, and change their harmful behavior. I’m working hard to heal myself and hope that everyone who received a letter from me is (or will) working hard to heal themselves and their environments as well. I now understand that stronger boundaries means knowing when to walk away, find a way to forgive, and be okay with the lack of an apology and change.

The good news is that walking away is healing in many ways. First, it takes you away from the pain and confusion. Second, it opens the door for good people to come in. Past jobs and volunteering for charities took me into many environments with healthy people (although I admit that my lack of boundaries had the unhealthy ones trying to prey on me – weak boundaries are an invitation to predatory people, so I advise everyone to strengthen their boundaries). I can’t count the number of times healthy people asked me why I was friends with a toxic person who they saw for what they were. The words ‘what’s a nice girl like you doing with them’ almost became a mantra for me. When stronger boundaries kept some of those toxic people out of my life, many good people entered my life. Some of them told me they’d always wanted to be close to me, but they didn’t feel comfortable with the people around me. I now feel very blessed with my current group of friends, because instead of chaos they bring support, encouragement, wisdom, creativity, hugs and other positive things. Many of them have offered this for years, so it isn’t the early charming that will go sour that toxic people too often bring into the lives of their victims. When you first begin to set boundaries, you may feel lonely, but my experiences have taught me that you won’t be alone for long. I have learned that people do judge you by the company you keep, so surround yourself with people who will allow you to be judged in a positive way.

In my experience, those who accuse people who are learning to set boundaries of judging others usually have healing they need to do themselves. I’m not the only one who has experienced that type of judgment. I chose to write this blog post, because of the many times I’ve seen a person being attacked on Facebook for judging other people, simply because they learned to recognize bad behavior and set appropriate boundaries. In all of those conversations, the ones who were screaming don’t judge were the ones who were judging the most, and sadly, judging the innocent person for setting boundaries to protect themselves.

In each of those situations, I have defended the person who is being wrongly accused of being judgmental. I have learned that if we are enabling someone with bad behavior by protecting them from the consequences of their actions, we are judging their victims and causing them to be victimized a second time by us. It is wiser to call a spade a spade than to use that spade to shovel crap over the mistake in an attempt to hide it, because that crap is being shoveled onto the victims who’ve already been hurt.

I believe there are several reasons why a person will instruct, or even worse bully, other people into believing they shouldn’t judge. The most dangerous one is a person who is doing horrible things they don’t want to be judged for. They judge those who recognize their behavior is bad as a way to continue hiding bad behavior they don’t want to change.

I believe the least dangerous possibility is more common, because of what I’ve seen on Facebook. I’ve seen arguments where a person is being judged for judging that go on from hours to days. Eventually, I get frustrated enough that I tell the story of how my Dad was a child sexual abuse survivor at the hands of a pastor and how that abuse continued due to him being chastised as judging if he tried to defend himself. Every time I tell that story, the comments stop and the argument ends.

I believe that stops the argument, because those arguing against judgment haven’t yet experienced a violation so great that it requires judgment and justice. I agree with them that it’s not my business to judge anyone’s harmless day to day decisions just because we don’t agree with them. I don’t even think it’s my business to judge controversial social issues just because I don’t agree with them. However, we all have a right to judge when someone harms us, so we can protect ourselves and others where we have the power to do so.

I come from (and left) one of the denominations that we so often see on social media screaming about something they are offended by. As one of dozens, maybe hundreds, of examples, consider all of the controversy they created a couple of years ago about what Starbucks puts on their coffee cups at Christmas. While standing firm on that and similar arguments, I found many of them to be the first ones to scream that people are judging them (and persecuting their religion) if someone sets boundaries to protect themselves from that behavior. The number of times is too great to count that I’ve heard them say the bible tells us to never judge as a way to protect themselves from people who set boundaries to protect themselves from the Starbucks and other judgments.

It is incorrect to say the bible tells us never to judge. In reality, the bible gives us explicit direction on how to handle situations like the one I just described, situations where Christians are judging the world and ignoring the sin that causes in the church. 1 Corinthians 5:12 tells us not to judge the world or we’d have to leave it, but we are to judge sin in the church. The question isn’t whether we should judge sin in the church. The bible tells us we should. The question is how do we handle that judgment.

It is true that Matthew 7 tells us not to judge, but if we read the whole chapter, we see this is about not being a hypocrite. Note that verse 4 says “FIRST take the plank out of your own eye, and THEN YOU WILL SEE CLEARLY TO REMOVE THE SPECK FROM YOUR BROTHER’S EYE.” This scripture is not telling us to ignore bad behavior. It is telling us to deal with ourselves first. I can tell you from experience that you learn enough by removing the log from your own eye that you develop compassion. That compassion helps you use what you learned from your experiences to lovingly help your brother or sister remove the speck from their eye – or to walk away if they tell you they don’t want their speck removed.

A person does have a right to hold onto their speck if they want to. No person can help someone who doesn’t want help. Just remember that you always have a right to walk away if that speck is harmful to you.

I am human, so I probably still have logs in my eye on certain subjects. If I’m not sure if the log is out of my eye, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut. I am speaking up on the subjects I cover in this blog, because on those subjects I’ve worked hard to remove the log from my eye. I’ve admitted repeatedly in this blog the mistakes I’ve made that made me vulnerable to toxic people, and I share those stories as a way to help others. That is what I believe taking the log out of our eye so we can help others take the speck out of theirs looks like.

I do not believe it ever looks like triggering on someone, screaming at them, finger-pointing, belittling, ridiculing, gossiping, bearing false witness or anything negative. Anyone who does those things needs to be working on healing themselves before they even think about trying to heal someone else. When 1 Corinthians 5:12 tells us to judge sin in the church, it simply means to be honest about what is wrong instead of pushing it under the rug or going into denial about it, and then work to find a better way with those who are willing to work with you.

As for the people who are not willing to work with you, you have the right to walk away. The bible says we have that right in Matthew 18:18. Matthew 18:15-18 tells us that if someone sins against us (not lives differently than we do or disagrees with us, but harms us) that we are to talk to them, talk to them with witnesses if they don’t accept responsibility for their behavior when we talk to them alone, and if they still don’t change, the church is supposed to set boundaries with them to protect the innocent. Since most churches don’t do that final step any more, I’ve had several pastors tell me we can implement that final step of setting boundaries as individuals.

Up to this point in this blog post, I’ve continued to use the word judge because that is the word most often used to shame people who are learning to set boundaries. I think it’s time to introduce another word that may be more palatable – discernment. In our culture, the word judge is often equated with the value of the person, and that seems to be why it is so often seen as a dirty word. Of course, we don’t want to judge any person’s intrinsic value. We all have value to God, and I hope we see the value in everyone even if they are toxic. However, the word discern seems to be understood as being about a person’s behavior. It is the behavior we should be discerning to be toxic. It is the behavior we should be making a decision about if we choose to separate ourselves from it. My hope would be that anyone who gives a sincere amends combined with changes in behavior would be given a second chance, because the person behind that behavior does have value.

I was judged by some for choosing to be a caregiver for a person who made sincere amends combined with behavior changes. Sadly, some of the people who judged me for this were the very ones who said setting boundaries was judging, yet when they saw what they’d been demanding in action they suddenly wanted those boundaries back. The lesson in this is that there are a lot of people in this world you will never be able to please, so learn how to please yourself.

I have never regretted the decision to be a caregiver for that person. Once that person took those personal growth steps, I couldn’t remember what they did before. What they did before was still in my memory, but it didn’t matter anymore after they began working on making themselves whole. That person has now passed away, and all that matters are the beautiful memories we created after their personal evolution began. Now I understand what God means when he says he doesn’t remember our sins once we repent – they don’t matter anymore.

I think healthy twelve step programs emulate the biblical guidelines about judging very well. I have seen healthy twelve-step friends set strong, tough-love boundaries with people who start drinking or taking drugs again. They are there for them when they want to get sober again, but they don’t enable them while they are using. In addition, I’m told they have a motto of if you want to keep it you have to give it away. Isn’t that the equivalent of taking the log out of their own eye and then, when they are healed enough, helping others take the speck out of their eye.

I learned the term tough-love from twelve step friends, and it makes a lot of sense. Are we really displaying love when we protect people from the consequences of their own behavior, especially since that means anyone being victimized by that person’s behavior will be victimized a second time by us when we’re unwilling to admit the truth.

I once knew a very healed healer who couldn’t tolerate ego-driven healers who triggered on anyone who continued to think for themselves rather than drink the ego-driven healer’s Kool-Aid. When he encountered that type of ego, all he would say is “Healer, heal yourself” and then walk away. I asked him why he did that, and he said a person who is being driven by ego will defend themselves even when they are doing something as obviously wrong as yelling at a vulnerable person who came to them for healing. He said sparring with them would only root them deeper in their ego. His message planted a non-confrontational seed that might one day take root. I believe the reason twelve step programs are so successful is that they emulate the biblical principles about judging so well, which means that a person has to relinquish their ego to be successful.

I don’t think people realize they are judging when they try to shame someone for discerning that bad behavior requires the protection of boundaries. If your personal growth allows you to set boundaries and you get accused of judging because of that, please realize that says more about the person who is judging you than it does about you. You have every right to admit to yourself what you see if you are in a harmful or toxic situation and set boundaries to protect yourself from it. You are not wrong. You are growing, and that is a good thing.