Familiar???

Although I try to stick to a weekly blog post schedule, I apologize that I’m not always successful. This has usually been due to problems that arose when I was a family elder care caregiver, such as someone being hospitalized. During the last year, some of it has been due to loved ones contracting, and sadly two passing away, from COVID-19. However, this is the first time a delay has occurred because of the level of emotional pain I had to face to write it. This may be the hardest thing I’ve yet written.

I’d been working on this blog post for several days when I became aware of the Capitol riots. Those riots made facing the emotions necessary to finish this post even more painful than they already were.

I want to avoid political divisiveness, so I’m trying very hard to write this from an objective point of view. I admit that’s hard, because I have a dog in this fight (as members of my Appalachian family would say when a situation does affect them).

My religious past is darkened by the propaganda and conspiracy theories that played a part in the beliefs and social divisions that fueled the Capitol riots. The riots didn’t happen overnight. In addition to the spreading of propaganda and conspiracy theories, those inside guilty denominations were told how to vote to create the desired theocracy. My knowledge of the part those denominations played in the Capitol riots caused me to vomit when the news showed a picture of a Jesus 2020 sign hanging on one of the Capitol walls. I left the denominations that were an early fuel to this political fire many years ago and worked hard to recover from their influence, yet that sign still affected me that deeply.

Unfortunately, the personalities of those involved in the Capitol riots were painfully familiar to me. Sadly, even the rioting was familiar. On a much smaller scale, I’ve had people storm my house, sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively, because of untruths that was spread in groups where people were easily influenced. I’ve had people in those groups spread those untruths because they deemed me disloyal when I chose to do what was right instead of what they demanded. Therefore, I understand enough to have great empathy for our political leaders who were being targeted in the Capitol riots for similar reasons.

In my last blog post, I wrote: I recognized that most people who harmed me for helping weren’t humble and considerate like the woman who asked for food. Many of them wore their entitlement and ingratitude like a neon sign when compared to the humble and considerate nature of this woman. Therefore, I think being aware of and honest about a person’s demeanor can be a valuable first step in setting boundaries.

I’ve thought a lot about that since my last blog post. A friend, who was a licensed counselor when she was alive, helped me realize I recognize vulnerable people when I meet them. She had repeatedly watched me extend kindness to people who, from first meeting, she and I both understood needed it. She explained that if we can recognize them and give them kindness, then predatory people can recognize them as well.

She emphasized that vulnerable doesn’t necessarily mean weak. It can mean weak if a person is recovering from a trauma, ill, very young, very old, etc. – any of the things that make animals vulnerable in the wild. However, she said kind, warm, loving, accepting, inclusive, spiritual, etc. people can be more vulnerable due to their trusting nature, yet it takes strength for them to survive in a world where some people are as predatory as wild animals. She said an even greater measure of their strength is displayed by how they often help others survive as well.

As I thought about my wise friend’s words, I realized I didn’t always recognize the entitlement and ingratitude in people who repaid my help with harm until I had experienced that harm. That was the intended topic of this blog post – until I realized how well, in my case, the Capitol riots align with it. I think that topic can be summed up in the last sentence of the paragraph I shared from last week’s blog post: I think being aware of and honest about a person’s demeanor can be a valuable first step in setting boundaries.

I realized that when I was aware of bullies or predatory people’s demeanor on first meeting, I didn’t always allow myself to recognize it until I'd been hurt, although I’ve improved a lot in this area as I’ve healed. Why? Because I’d long ago been groomed to submit to them without question. Religious environment had a lot to do with that, especially for women who were taught to submit beyond reason.

After Heather Heyer was killed in the Charlottesville riots by someone whose personality is familiar to me like the Capitol rioters personalities are, several hate groups posted horrible misogynistic things on social media to discredit her and blame her for her own death. The things they posted were so horrible that they quickly disappeared due to their inappropriate nature. Unfortunately, I saw them before they disappeared – and experienced the familiarity I’ve talked about in this post. I’d heard the things they wrote a thousand times before, and being a woman, they affected me so deeply that I digressed and had to work on healing from them again. When women are taught that God sees them in ways that are too horrible to remain on social media, is it any wonder they lose the ability to be aware of and honest about a potentially harmful person’s demeanor? Is it any wonder that I lost that ability? Add propaganda, conspiracy theories, and telling people how to vote for the future male dominated and powered theocracy and how could I, or any woman, be expected to see things clearly -- with the exception of seeing the same vulnerability in others that looks back at us from the mirror every morning, prompting us to have compassion for anyone else who has that same look in their eyes.

As I tried to be honest with myself about what I recognized in the demeanor of people who had repaid my help with harm, I became even more confused. I came to the conclusion that there's a difference between a predatory personality and a bully. I believe it’s necessary for bullies to groom, because their hatefulness is apparent. Once groomed, the victim isn’t likely to address the bully’s behavior, at least not directly. However, predators don’t want to draw attention to themselves, because that would decrease their chances of success. Predators, whether animal or human, increase success if they can hide before striking. Predatory people often hide their intentions behind false charm, and that charm can be intoxicating.

As I compared everything that I realized was familiar about the Capitol riots with my original intention for this blog post, I asked myself if understanding the dynamics of the riots might help me better understand people who repay help with harm. For example, would it help to recognize the difference between the people who instigated the riots versus those who follow the instigators to better understand day to day personal interactions?

That question helped me compile the following list of questions:

1)How did the familiar personalities affect me in a way that would cause me to attract people who repay help with harm?

2)How did belonging to groups where those who gained power expected loyalty without giving any affect me?

3)How did belonging to groups that were easily influenced by conspiracy theories on a broad scale and gossip on a local scale affect me?

4) How did belonging to groups where physical force determined right over truth or facts, or even the ability to present truth and facts to be weighed fairly, affect me?

5)How did being shamed and threatened for having my own thoughts affect me?

6)How did being around people who defined consequences for their own actions as persecution affect me?

7) Is the familiar mentality only harmful in groups/gangs - whether it be a riot, an organization that nurtures these types of personalities instead of protecting their victims, or a person who has a crew of codependents and enablers?

8) Do Predatory personalities lead, unite and incite while bullies follow?

I don’t have the answers to these questions, and I may come up with more questions before I'm done. It saddens me that after all of the healing work I've successfully done that I find myself asking questions again -- that I find myself recognizing a need to do more healing work. I guess that's to be expected, because many people have told me that healing is circular instead of linear, so please don't be frustrated if you find yourself going around the circle again in your own healing work. I hope that once I do have the answers to these questions, the familiarity I talked about in this post will be a distant memory that no longer creates confusion.