Epiphany: It's Okay To Be Kind

I experienced an epiphany this week, which I’m sharing to help others who have a personality similar to mine. I made a rare trip through a fast food drive-thru one evening. While waiting in line, a woman approached my car and asked if I'd buy her dinner. My autonomic response was yes. I use the word autonomic, because helping others is as natural to me as an autonomic nervous system response. When I asked what she wanted, she was considerate not to ask for too much – too considerate. I encouraged her to tell me everything she wanted, and she eventually complied. After I placed the order, the drive-thru employee asked me to park in a numbered spot and wait for it. While I waited, this woman stood next to my car, and we talked through my open window. She continued to be considerate and very aware of coronavirus precautions – even refusing offers for other types of help due to the potential coronavirus risk. She shared her story. She’d lost her job due to the coronavirus. Watching how homeless people had been treated when she was employed taught her to never ask for money, because people assume money will be used for drugs or alcohol. That’s why she asked me for food. To her amazement, many people still said horrible things to her, often cussing her out because of her want of food. She said only about 1% of the people she approached were kind. Hearing her experiences birthed my epiphany. I helped this woman, because it was second nature for me. That’s who I’ve always been. I’d prefer to be the person who offers kindness than the person who cusses out people in need. There have been many times I’ve been harmed by people I helped. That doesn’t mean helping was wrong. Many people have tried to shame me for being kind. I’ve been: * ridiculed for being “too nice.” * told I have the word Victim written on my forehead. * accused of helping only to get something in return, even when I’d never see the person again or they’d never be able to return the kindness. * been called codependent and enabling even when I wouldn’t gain any control by what I did. * been blamed for the harm I received while helping someone instead of expecting the person who did the harm to own their own actions. * been told I should have triggered back instead of calmly explaining myself when someone triggered on me. Shall I go on? Those who have a personality similar to mine know the rest of the list. Sadly, when I began to learn boundaries, those same people said I was unforgiving or I would let the people I was setting boundaries with abuse me in the ways they used to ridicule me for allowing. It’s possible, and often necessary, to forgive from a safe distance. In reality, I was: * born to be someone who is so empathetic I can sometimes feel other people’s suffering. * raised by a mother who was very kind and taught me to be sensitive to other people’s feelings and needs. * born to my Mom’s family, where people understood they needed to help each other to survive the frequent poverty of the Appalachian Mountains. As one example, I remember family members trying to get others they thought needed it more to take money left in a deceased relative’s account. In the culture where I live now, I usually see people fighting to take inheritances away from each other. * born into poverty, and the picture I chose for this article tells the story. Studies have proven that poor people are statistically more generous. As one example, I hadn’t known anything other than the poverty my father’s handicaps and illiteracy forced us to live in as a child and young adult; therefore, I assumed everyone in need was coming from a similar place. How could I have known something I’d never experienced? Creating experiences outside of poverty combined with discovering a few people took from our lack to feed their excess helped me understand the need to protect myself. There's nothing wrong with autonomically helping others when they’re in need; however, I’ve learned that I must protect myself from those who take advantage of kind people. Therefore, learning boundaries is important. I have friends who are social workers. They tell me how some clients try to take a mile if you give them an inch, as well as the ways those clients respond negatively to boundaries designed to protect the social worker from burnout and/or danger. Social workers have a hierarchy that provides support when dealing with difficult clients. A kind individual doesn’t have access to that hierarchy, so we must be aware of the strength of our boundaries any time we help another person. If we feel our boundaries aren’t strong, referring them to professionals or professional organizations is one way of helping. Compared to cussing them out like the woman who asked for food told me often happens, referring them to help is a kindness. It’s hard for an empathetic (or empathic) person to set boundaries. As part of my boundary toolkit, I keep a list of resources with me at all times. I give it to people who don’t respect my boundaries instead of helping them myself. If they’re serious about helping themselves, they’ll reach out to those resources. My epiphany had two parts. I recognized that most people who harmed me for helping weren’t humble and considerate like the woman who asked for food. Many of them wore their entitlement and ingratitude like a neon sign when compared to the humble and considerate nature of this woman. Therefore, I think being aware of and honest about a person’s demeanor can be a valuable first step in setting boundaries. Other than talking to a counselor, the most effective resource I’ve found for strengthening boundaries is the book “Boundaries: When to Say Yes; How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. In addition, Henry Cloud has a YouTube page where he provides ongoing videos on this subject. However, I’m sure there are many other resources. Any one that helps you is the right one for you. It's good to be kind. I’m learning not to forget to be kind to myself, too. Strengthening my boundaries is one way to be kind to myself. Not accepting ridicule for being a kind person is another way. Refusing judgment when I misinterpret the situation and get hurt is an important one -- I will seek people who give me empathy, help me heal and help me get back on track with boundary setting.