Clergy and Cluster B Personalities

The farther I go with this blog, the more difficult it becomes for me. In previous blog posts, I confessed that I started my journey as a 100% doormat. In my case, religion and a religious culture had taught me and previous generations of women to be that submissive, even in the face of domestic abuse. This was the root of me being vulnerable to things I talked about in previous posts such as weak boundaries, being susceptible to magical thinking, ignoring warning signs in other people, being led to believe that forgiveness and unconditional love meant reconciliation even with abusive people, and all of the other things I previously talked about in this blog. I want to move forward and share the story behind each of the resources that are helping me to overcome this, but I’m finding it difficult to determine how to do that. I admit that fear is causing that difficulty. I know how dangerous the world is for vulnerable people. I don’t want anyone to venture out into the world as unprepared as I once was. I remember finding the courage to ask someone why they had harmed me when I had only done good for them. Their answer was, “When we first met you, you were like a baby gazelle separated from its Mama on the Serengetti. The temptation was just too great to resist.” I can’t bear the thought of any of my readers going out into the world as an orphaned gazelle and being treated the way I was.

Since the world is not a utopia, I must set my fear aside and try to move forward. In contemplating how to do that, I asked myself – what is a common root of vulnerable people having weak enough boundaries that the predators of the world can harm them? As much as I tried to avoid the answer, I had to admit that at least one root, and there may be others, is religion. Although it is not the only reason, a main reason is distorted teachings about forgiveness and unconditional love that do not incorporate justice and boundaries. That may not be true for everyone with weak boundaries, but I do believe it is a contributing factor for many.

Not balancing forgiveness and unconditional love with justice and boundaries is especially dangerous when a person has people with a Cluster B personality disorder (narcissist, borderline, sociopath/psychopath, histrionic) in their lives or carry themselves in a way that makes them recognizable as a potential victim for these types of people. They are so dangerous that health care professionals will often advise no contact even after forgiveness. Although there are many articles available online on this subject, I want to share a few that counselors have told me are accurate.

The first article effectively addresses (without the magical thinking I discussed in a previous blog post) the subject of how churches too often focus on forgiveness and unconditional love without focusing on protecting their flock from the wolves in sheep’s clothing as the bible tells them to do. Here is that article: https://churchplants.com/articles/13318-forgiveness-apply-abusers-js-park.html

I shared in a previous post how churches with magical thinking brought harm to several people with Christian counseling. Although the article I just shared doesn’t seem to have magical thinking in it, I am sharing an article from a non-religious psychology journal to balance it out and show the parallels. Here is that article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-creativity-cure/201504/when-sociopath-is-hell-bent-destroying-you

The last article seems important, because it talks about how people with Cluster B personality disorders often look for leadership roles in churches, because they have power over vulnerable people: http://www.wickedshepherds.com/AReligiousSociopath.html . My ability to write about a Cluster B pastor in my book "The Blood Moon Sealed My Fate" shows that I have encountered at least one in my life and learned enough about them to be able to create a character based on it. Many people advise writers to write what they know, and I did.

I will state again that any organization, religious or otherwise, that puts the responsibility on the victim of abuse or the recipient of bad behavior instead of expecting the abuser or misbehaving person to make amends is an organization to avoid at all costs. Misuse of the words forgiveness and love should never be used to place responsibility for someone else’s actions on their victim. I wanted to say that again before I refer you to the Resource List (the second post in this blog). The organizations on this resource list are the ones that helped me or someone I was close to instead of giving us the runaround as many other agencies did, but that doesn’t mean they are perfect. Even in these organizations, do not accept unbalanced teachings about forgiveness, unconditional love, or accepting bad behavior or abuse. If those issues arise, I strongly recommend you leave and find another organization to help you.

With that said, let me refer you the sections on Religious Abuse Recovery and Mental Illness on the Resource List. Under the Mental Illness section, pay particular attention to resources listed under Narcissistic Behavior Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

If you are aware of any other organizations that have a history of helping, please make me aware of them, so I can add them to the Resource List.