A Spirit Of Religion - Part Three - Danger

I had another post planned for this week, but some things happened that led me to change directions.

In previous blog posts, I talked about how I left Christianity for another religion. I talked about how being in that religion taught me that I didn’t need to change religions; I needed to change myself. Christianity had taught me since childhood that women were supposed to be so submissive that we were doormats, and I learned my lessons well. Therefore, when I was that submissive in another religion, I found myself attracting the same kind of people I had attracted in Christianity. As I’ve said in my last two posts – I attracted the people who had a spirit of religion instead of a spirit for God or true spirituality.

Yesterday, so many years later, I was invited to return to an environment that was damaged by those in the other religion who hurt so many but that was healing/had healed from what had happened. In our discussions, I learned that what had happened during that period was a lot more widespread than what had happened to me and those I was close to who were harassed for taking the right stands. That time period was actually called within that religion the (Name of Religion That I Won’t Share Here Out Of Respect For The Good People There) Wars.

It was reassuring to know that it wasn’t about me. What happened had been going on before I got there and continued after I left. Unfortunately, I arrived at a time when the environment was primed to take advantage of someone like me who had been taught submission so well they didn’t have boundaries. The person who invited me back is someone I trust. I told her that one-on-one I would be willing to worship with her in her religious format; however, I felt her religious format was too hands on for me to ever get involved with a large group again instead of choosing who I will worship with one-on-one.

Our conversation got me to thinking about what I’ve written in my last two blog posts. There are people who have a spirit of religion, which in my faith Jesus warned us against. Looking at both religions I’ve been involved in, I’ve met people with a spirit of religion who used prayer as a way to gather information for gossip or for spiritual messages – both of which will allow them to get control of other people in a variety of ways. I’ve seen people with a spirit of religion give messages either as a word in Christianity or as a spirit message and then trigger in a variety of aggressive ways if the person receiving the messages feels it is not accurate. I’ve seen people with a spirit of religion use “good deeds” as a way to control others and then blow up in aggressive ways if the person outgrows the need, gets so busy they don’t have time to do it that person’s way anymore, or finds another person better suited to meet the need. I could give a list of examples, but I usually try to stop at three if I’m writing less than a book. In a nutshell, most of those manipulations are a way to get control of other people.

All of the things that can happen when someone tries to take control of another person, with or without a spirit of religion, will eventually end up causing some kind of pain or devastation to the person being controlled. Therefore, a person must be careful who they entrust themselves to.

Another thing that happened that changed the direction for this week’s post is someone shared the picture I’m using for this post with me. After that exchange, I realized that we really do have to be careful who touches us, even if they are touching us for healing during some type of healing service. The picture says: “Everyone shouldn’t touch you. Stop allowing all these spirits to lay hands on you. Some ain’t praying, they’re preying, planting, and seducing.” In my faith, the Bible tells us to avoid false prophets and wolves in sheep’s clothing, so this picture is reinforcing that warning. God definitely intended for us to have boundaries and especially boundaries that will keep us safe from people who will prey on us.

A woman, or man, who was taught submission teachings to an extreme, a person who is vulnerable due to traumas, a person who is exhausted, a person who is grieving, a person who is sick, etc. has to be particularly careful about setting the right boundaries to protect themselves from toxic and predatory personalities. Sometimes people in distress can be so in need of understanding, support, and hope that we open ourselves up to the wrong people and make things worse.

There may be more answers than the ones I’ve found for myself, and anyone who has more answers is welcome to share them in comments for this post. One of the things that has worked for me is to learn to listen to my gut. When a person grows up in an environment that is toxic, they learn to ignore their gut in order to survive. While in the midst of that toxicity, listening to your gut and acting on it could get you harmed. Once you are in a safer environment and ignoring your gut no longer protects you but instead repeatedly allows you to let toxic people in, you have to learn to listen to your gut again. A counselor slowly taught me how to do that. The more I understood what that felt like and what it meant, the more I realized my gut had always warned me of toxic people, but I had ignored it. Understanding that I must always remain vigilant or I could easily fall into old habits is terrifying to me while knowing that remaining vigilant with my new knowledge can also keep me safer is freeing.

Another thing that is working for me is putting safety nets in place. One of several safety nets I have implemented is I have decided I will not participate in any open to the public hands-on healing services, because people you don’t know can wander in looking for someone who can be easily manipulated. I now only do hands-on healing services among people I have carefully chosen and know I can trust. I have seen so many people treated inappropriately when they didn’t accept a message a healer gave them, which in my mind is a sign that the message had an ulterior motive. Keep in mind that some of this happened in an environment that is still called the (Name Of Religion) Wars, so obviously that doesn’t mean that all healing environments are unhealthy. But, one has to be careful, because I’ve seen it happen in what appears to be healthy environments, too.

Every time I witnessed a healer trigger on someone who knew the message they were receiving wasn’t for them, I was disgusted. Sadly, I can’t honestly say I took a stand each time even though I should have. That was wrong of me. I’m awakened now and will hopefully not make that mistake again. A couple of years ago, it happened to me, and that woke me up. I got so busy that a person who had slowly been getting more and more control of me couldn’t get as much time with me as she had been demanding with several previous phone calls and a promise that she could heal me from my illnesses (which weren’t even the issue then) when I got tired enough of being sick (talk about victim shaming and blaming - I'm only sick because I'm not tired enough of being sick yet - Wow!) to turn my control back over to her. She was so angry that my schedule didn’t allow any of her machinations to work that the next time she saw me in person she attacked me for every word that came out of my mouth. I couldn’t say anything right that day. Fortunately, many people witnessed it and helped me heal. She never apologized. Instead, she made excuses from something else was bothering her that day to she was just trying to help me. As those excuses got relayed back to me by people who saw her clearly, I realized that was the same dynamic I’d seen used by most healers I ever saw trigger on someone who didn’t accept their message hook, line, and sinker. If more of those types recognized and took responsibility for their outburst, it would probably happen a lot less often. That recognition is what led me to make a decision that I will never attend or involve myself in an open healing service again. I have small groups that I work with on a regular basis, small groups who have strong enough boundaries to correct inappropriate behavior so we don’t create a group that will be unsafe for current and future members. That is another safety net I have in place. I am working hard on boundaries, so I only belong to groups that have strong and healthy boundaries as well. If you belong to a group that allows someone to trigger and act inappropriately and doesn't do anything to correct that, walk away. If it is a leader who triggers and acts inappropriately and gets protected from the consequences of their own actions, run away. If the person who was treated badly is victim shamed or victim blamed or is not allowed to express their concerns, burn the bridge.

Another thing that happened that led me to change directions for this week’s blog post is a letter my counselor wrote on my behalf. I am talking with her and my trusted family members about my future religious affiliations, so I will make safe decisions once caregiving and recovery from caregiving allows me to be actively involved in a church again. This is scary for me, because I made mistakes as I began my journey and I repeated those mistakes when years of caregiving made me so exhausted that I repeated my own familiar. I beat myself up for that a lot. This counselor, who has worked with me for 20-years and walked alongside me through many of my life journeys, reminded me of the time of great peace I experienced between those two timeframes that I often don’t give myself enough credit for. Following is one paragraph from the letter that talks about that: Around the time Rhonda started seeing me, she met a progressive Presbyterian pastor who led her into a positive Christian experience. She says the way they met had to have been led by God. Considering how positive the experience was, I don’t doubt that. That experience demonstrated to me that Rhonda is able to have a healthy relationship with the church and with Christians. She flourished under the guidance of this pastor, his wife, and his congregation. She began to learn a more loving view of the Bible. She began to learn how the church of her past distorted the Bible to support its agenda. She began to find peace with God. She developed a friendship with a counselor and retired pastor’s wife from that congregation named Linde Grace. That friendship flourished until Linde Grace passed away in 2017. I watched Rhonda’s loving, kind and compassionate nature build strong and healthy relationships when she was around strong and healthy people. Had the tides not changed, I have no doubt she would still be part of that congregation. Unfortunately, the tides changed when she became a round-the-clock caregiver who didn’t have time to attend church. Before she could return, this pastor was transferred to a congregation in another state.

The phrase that really stuck out to me was “when she was around strong and healthy people.” I realized this is another example of what that picture said: “Everyone shouldn’t touch you. Stop allowing all these spirits to lay hands on you. Some ain’t praying, they’re preying, planting, and seducing.” I need to do everything in my power to be around strong and healthy people who lift me up instead of being around the kinds of people who hurt me in the past. I achieved that once, and I'm achieving that again now in several groups I belong to who are helping me heal from the exhaustion of caregiving instead of taking advantage of it. I think that is the key - learning what strong and healthy people look like and finding the courage to gravitate toward them and learn from them, so you can be one of them. As I’ve said many times before, I can’t change other people, but I can change me. I am not guiltless in any of this. Many years of counseling taught me that I had weak boundaries and was enabling, and I need to keep working on changing that. Here is a blog post in which I admit what I learned in counseling I had done wrong (which was rarely what those who had lost control of me as I healed and grew accused me of doing wrong): https://ronisharp.wixsite.com/mysite/blog/it-wasn-t-about-being-nice. I have decided if I can keep correcting the mistakes I admit in this blog post, that things will become safer and easier. I have decided if I avoid people who expect these unhealthy behaviors from me to be accepted and look for people who would never expect these behaviors from me (people like Linde Grace and many others), I will continue to create good environments with strong and healthy people who help me be the best I can be. If I keep practicing doing the opposite of what I admit about my mistakes in this blog post, I will do a lot better in the future. Maybe that will be helpful to some who read this blog post as well.